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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24288265">Four Years</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/peaceoutofthepieces/pseuds/peaceoutofthepieces'>peaceoutofthepieces</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Skam Bingo 2020 [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SKAM (Netherlands), WTFock | Skam (Belgium)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Reunions</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:41:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>27,092</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24288265</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/peaceoutofthepieces/pseuds/peaceoutofthepieces</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucas hasn’t seen Jens Stoffels in four years. </p>
<p>Okay, that’s a tiny bit of a lie. He does follow his Instagram, after all (religiously). They talk on Snapchat, occasionally. But Lucas hasn’t <i>seen</i> him in four years. </p>
<p>For nine early years of his life, Jens had been his best friend.</p>
<p>Then he turned thirteen, and his mother went crazy, and his dad suddenly wanted to take him away. </p>
<p>Lucas had moved to the Netherlands, and he hadn’t seen Jens since. </p>
<p>Now they were seventeen, and that was about to change.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jens Stoffels/Lucas van der Heijden</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Skam Bingo 2020 [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1729147</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>139</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Four Years</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leoniejulie/gifts">Leoniejulie</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Happy Birthday Leonie &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lucas hasn’t seen Jens Stoffels in four years. </p>
<p>Okay, that’s a tiny bit of a lie. He does follow his Instagram, after all (religiously). They talk on Snapchat, occasionally. But Lucas hasn’t <i>seen</i> him in four years. </p>
<p>For nine early years of his life, Jens had been his best friend. When Lucas was four, he’d been the terrified kid in the class that first day, earning himself the reputation of a crybaby in an instant and hating himself for it ever since. He’d been outwardly teased by some of his classmates and quietly laughed at by others, and it had only made the tightness in his chest and ball in his stomach worse. The fear had merged with hurt and been left to consume him. He had no way out of it. He was alone. No one wanted to be friends with the crybaby. He was sure that everyone hated him, in fact. </p>
<p>But there was one other boy in the class who didn’t laugh. Who didn’t tease. In fact, he’d screwed his nose up at the remarks. Rolled his eyes. He was above it all, as he was with everything. It was why so many of their classmates adored him. </p>
<p>It was why they almost threw a fit when he sat down next to Lucas. </p>
<p>Lucas still remembers staring at the boy with the chocolate coloured eyes and raven curls, the boy who was lanky even then but already carried himself with ease. The boy who smiled at Lucas in a way that wasn’t mocking or cruel. Who was never mocking or cruel. Who offered Lucas a hand that would pull him out of the dark and a friendship that would mean more to him than he ever thought possible. </p>
<p>Jens Stoffels was Lucas’s best friend. From that first moment on, they were inseparable. Lucas was still the subject of many nasty looks, but he no longer noticed. The taunting stopped, because the instant anyone opened their mouth, all it took was one look from Jens for them to snap it closed again. He felt a little bad, in later years, for feeling like he’d ruined the other boy’s chances. People listened to Jens out of a begrudging respect, not because he was very popular. He always had an easy comment to fire back at you, was always immune to others’ ammunition in a way that Lucas never was. Jens wasn’t popular, though he should’ve been. He would’ve integrated perfectly into that group, with his smile and his demeanor and his talents. Lucas thought it was mostly his fault, that Jens had never made it there. </p>
<p>He found out quickly that it simply wasn’t what Jens wanted. Jens was quiet and goofy and thoughtful and loving, and it suddenly made more sense for him to put his energy into a pitiful thing like Lucas. But Jens never pitied him. He treated Lucas like he was his favourite person in the world, the best friend he could have possibly chosen. </p>
<p>Lucas idolised him. No one was cooler than Jens. He didn’t need any other friends, now that he had him. Lucas had the space to grow into himself in the space Jens carved out for him, and he’d learned how to have fun and how to interact. But he’d never had to put his skills to good use. </p>
<p>Then he turned thirteen, and his mother went crazy, and his dad suddenly wanted to take him away. </p>
<p>Lucas had moved to the Netherlands, and he hadn’t seen Jens since. </p>
<p>Now they were seventeen, and that was about to change.</p>
<p>~^~</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens looks at the blonde boy sitting on his own, shoulders hunched and eyes downcast as a boy from another table lobs a ball of paper at him. His hands curl together, clasped tightly on the table. His shoulders hunch further, head hanging between them, and something in Jens’s heart gives an insistent, desperate tug. He gets up from his own table, ignoring the question of the boy next to him, and makes his way to the blonde.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens sits down next to him and waits, but he doesn’t react, aside from growing more tense. Jens frowns and leans forward, trying to get the other boy to look at him. He waves a hand in front of his face until the boy looks over at him. Then he grins. “Hi.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>The boy blinks at him. His face is lightly flushed, and his eyes are glistening. Jens has never seen anything more stunningly blue. Very hesitantly, he responds, “Hi.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”I’m Jens,” he introduces himself. He thinks of how his parents always introduce themselves, at the few weddings and parties and other events that he’s been forced into going to. He sticks his hand out towards the blonde.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>He stares at Jens and then takes his hand slowly. Jens shakes it as he says, “I know.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>After a moment of silence, Jens raises a brow. “Do you have a name?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>The boy blinks at him again, long eyelashes slightly damp. They’re fairer than his hair, Jens realises. He bites his lip. His expression is watchful, curious, more distrustful than any other fellow four year old Jens has met. He doesn’t like it, focused on him. He wants to be trusted. He thinks he’s very trustworthy. The boy says, “Lucas.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Well, that’s a start. He trusts him with his name. “Do you want to be friends, Lucas?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas straightens so quickly Jens is worried his spine will crack. His expression now seems stunned. Jens wonders, briefly, what it is he’s done wrong. Lucas asks, “You want to be friends with me?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”Why else would I ask?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>The beginning of a smile starts to curl Lucas’s lips, but it disappears quickly as he leans back and narrows his eyes. “Why?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens tilts his head. He imagined this conversation being much simpler. Lucas would have either said yes or no and Jens would either have a new friend or he wouldn’t. He’d be disappointed if he said no, though. He likes Lucas. Even though he seems a bit slow and grumpy. “Why what?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”Why do you want to be friends with me?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens blinks. “Why wouldn’t I?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas seems startled by this. Jens doesn’t understand why. He’s the one becoming very confused. He guesses it’s because of how those other boys were treating him. Maybe he thinks Jens is mean too. Jens doesn’t think of himself as mean. He doesn’t want Lucas to think so either.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>This must be what prompts him to say, “The others are kinda mean. I don’t like that. I don’t think you’re mean. I’m not either. So do you want to be friends?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas continues staring at him, though he no longer looks grumpy. He still seems surprised, but not as unsure. Jens notes that his face isn’t as red anymore and his eyes aren’t as shiny. They’re still very bright, though. Still very blue. He seems about to answer when another ball of paper rebounds off his shoulder and lands on his desk, startling his gaze off of Jens and more tension into his shoulders.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens frowns, glancing around for the culprit. He’s not snickering, this time, but glowering at Lucas, already tearing off a new piece of paper. Before he can even begin crumpling it up, Jens says, “Stop that.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>He’s sure he’s been introduced to the boy before, but Jens can’t quite recall his name. He thinks maybe it starts with a C, or an S. It might’ve been an N, but maybe that was someone else. His gaze darts to Jens and turns grumpier than Lucas’s, disappointment flashing briefly over his features. Jens just continues frowning at him until he slumps back into his chair. It reminds him of Lies when she doesn’t get what she wants, and how Jens’s Mama always scolds her for ‘sulking’. Jens lets the boy sulk and turns back to Lucas, whose gaze is once again focused on him. Jens is much more pleased with that.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>He picks up the scrap of paper and unfolds it, doing his best to flatten it out with his palm on the table. He fishes a pencil out of his bag, then realises he doesn’t know how to fully write what he wants to say. Instead, he writes ‘yes’ and ‘no’ (his Mama had already taught him how, he thinks proudly), and passes the paper back to Lucas.</i>
</p>
<p>Lucas gazes at it, reading the words aloud to himself slowly before looking at Jens, confused. Jens says, “You still didn’t answer my question. If you’re shy, you can just do it like this.” Jens doesn’t really think he’s very shy. But Jens has only given him the two options he’d considered at the start, meaning Lucas has to pick instead of asking any more funny questions.</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas stares at him for another moment and then steals Jens’s pencil. He smooths out the paper, shoots one more glance at Jens, and then draws a slow, wobbly line around ‘yes’.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens grins, snatching his pencil back and poking Lucas with it. “See? That was easy.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas’s smile is slow and small, but sure. Jens thinks it’s brilliant.</i>
</p>
<p>~^~</p>
<p>“Robbe, you’re going away for two weeks, you’re not moving country. I’m sure you can live without Sander until then.”</p>
<p>Robbe looks up at Jens and scowls, letting his phone fall into his lap. “Two weeks is a long time when you see each other everyday.”</p>
<p>Jens waves a hand. “That’s why I told him to come with us.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, but, he has some kind of showing this weekend. Which I’m missing too, by the way.”</p>
<p>Jens raises a brow. “Well, you can always go home, if you’re so unhappy to be here.”</p>
<p>“And leave you alone?”</p>
<p>“I won’t be alone,” Jens points out. They’re staying in Jens’s aunt’s two bedroom apartment while she’s away on holiday, using the excuse of wanting to visit the nearby university while they’re there. That’s the main excuse Jens has been giving everyone. </p>
<p>It’s what he’d told Lucas, in their last rare conversation, when he’d asked if they could meet up while he was there. Well, no, he hadn’t asked. He’d text with something along the lines of, ‘hey, I’m going to be in Utrecht for two weeks for a Very Valid Reason, we should meet up!’ He wasn’t even sure Lucas would look at the message, nevermind text him back. It had been months before that that their chat was used last. Jens was slightly surprised that Lucas even still remembered him. </p>
<p>He was even more surprised that, not only had Lucas texted him back, he’d enthusiastically agreed to the meet up, offering to show Jens around the city and to accompany him to check out the university. Jens still feels that familiar elation in his chest thinking about it now. It’s been four years of less and less contact, but maybe he hasn’t lost Lucas yet. </p>
<p>“You’d be staying alone. Besides, I’m sure Lucas won’t be free to hang out with you all the time. He actually lives here. He probably has like, friends and everything.”</p>
<p>“Obviously he has friends, Robbe,” Jens rolls his eyes. “He’s been living here for four years. You follow his Instagram. You know he has friends.”</p>
<p>“Do you think they’re like us, though?”</p>
<p>Jens raises a brow. “What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“Do you think they’re good friends? Like, do you think they’re as close as we were?”</p>
<p>It’s a horrible thing, but Jens kind of hopes not. </p>
<p>In response to Robbe though, he simply shrugs. It’s very likely that they are. Jens can’t imagine Lucas’s best friends being ‘casual’. Jens has felt the full force of Lucas’s friendship. It pains him to think of that having to be dulled down. </p>
<p>It pains him to think of Lucas giving that to anyone else. </p>
<p>Robbe nudges at his foot from where he sits across from him on the train. The carriage is relatively empty, thankfully, only a few people sitting with their coffees and earphones, one student tapping away at a laptop and an older couple sat near the middle. It’s blissfully quiet. “Are you looking forward to seeing him?”</p>
<p>Jens’s brow raises again. “Yeah. Aren’t you?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, of course.” Robbe leans his elbows on the table, crossing his arms atop the grayish surface. “I’m a little worried it’ll be weird, though. He’s not gonna be the same height as he was when we were thirteen.”</p>
<p>“I know that, but he’s still Lucas. In all the years we knew him, did he ever change?”</p>
<p>Robbe tilts his head in acceptance, sitting back in his seat. “These are the years he would’ve been changing though, no?”</p>
<p>Jens bites his lip. He shrugs again. “I guess.”</p>
<p>He doesn’t really want to think about how Lucas has changed. The only change he needs to be aware of is that in the four years, they’d grown apart. </p>
<p>When Lucas was leaving, they’d begged their parents for good phones, just so that they’d stay in contact. They had messaged each other obsessively, at the beginning. Both of them missing each other and mad at the world (and Lucas’s father) for tearing them apart. Jens still doesn’t understand why they couldn’t have gotten sufficient care for his mom in Antwerp. Or at the very least, in Belgium. He doesn’t understand why she couldn’t have traveled for it, either. He doesn’t understand why Lucas had to be taken away. </p>
<p>He knows that it was probably worse for Lucas, and he isn’t the one who should be so upset about it. He wasn’t uprooted. He wasn’t alone. He’d still had Robbe, and his functioning family. Robbe is as good as a brother to him, anyway. </p>
<p>But Lucas was his other half. </p>
<p>Jens was torn in two when Lucas left. Loneliness overtook him, hitting hardest in the most unexpected moments. They had become less frequent in all that time, but there are still days Jens will be laughing with his friends and half turns, expecting to find Lucas at his side. It doesn’t matter that the only friend Lucas had even met was Robbe. Jens was used to having Lucas next to him. The feeling never entirely went away. </p>
<p>He’d been worried that Lucas, though, had disappeared entirely. That Jens had let him. That somewhere between his relationships with Britt and Jana and the rest, and his new friendships with Moyo and Aaron, and Lucas’s whole new life, they’d fallen out of touch. Their replies became farther apart until eventually all they had was snippets of conversation every other week. They suddenly had other things to do. They suddenly had other people. </p>
<p>But Jens has never stopped thinking about him. </p>
<p>Robbe kicks his foot. “Hey, if you want me to stop talking to Sander you’re gonna have to talk to me instead.”</p>
<p>“What, you can’t sit in peace and silence?”</p>
<p>“You’re the one who’s all jittery,” Robbe argues, raising a brow. He nods at where Jens’s fingers are tapping an irregular rhythm against the table. “And you’re shaking the whole train with your leg.”</p>
<p>Jens draws his hand away from the table and rests it on his knee, stopping his tapping and his bouncing at once. “It’s not that bad.”</p>
<p>“What are you so nervous about?”</p>
<p>“I’m not.”</p>
<p>“This is how you are when you have to talk to Jana. You’re not going to see an ex.”</p>
<p>“Lucas is kind of like an ex,” Jens points out, smiling slightly. </p>
<p>“That you were tragically broken up with at thirteen, even though you’ve still kept in touch the whole time?”</p>
<p>Jens flips him off. “You’ve probably had more contact with him than me since he left. It’s weird. I feel bad about it. And now I’m just suddenly coming to Utrecht to see him? What if he thinks that’s weird? It is weird.”</p>
<p>“I thought we were going to see the university,” Robbe smiles. </p>
<p>“We are,” Jens rolls his eyes. “You know what I mean.”</p>
<p>Robbe’s smile only widens. “Is he coming to meet us right away, or…?”</p>
<p>“We’ll go drop our stuff off first and then meet him later. As long as he’s still free.”</p>
<p>“Lucas would never cancel on you.”</p>
<p>He <i>wouldn’t</i> have. It’s been a long time. </p>
<p>Jens only shrugs, though. “Yeah, he wouldn’t want to or do it on purpose but you know what can come up.”</p>
<p>Robbe nods at that, pursing his lips. He knows better than anyone. Jens has always been that little more sad for both Robbe and Lucas for not having the other around. Lucas’s mom had crashed and been diagnosed long before Robbe started realising his mother wasn’t fully well, either. It had been one of the few times Jens had reached out to Lucas, to ask how he could help, what he should do. </p>
<p>Lucas had simply responded, <i>‘The same as you did for me’</i>. </p>
<p>He knows Robbe’s (almost) as excited to see Lucas as he is. He just hopes that Lucas is feeling the same.</p>
<p>~^~</p>
<p>Lucas feels like he might throw up. </p>
<p>At the very least, he doesn’t think Kes and Jayden notice. They’re too busy goofing around, passing a joint back and forth, their loud laughs grating on Lucas’s nerves. He should be joking with them in an attempt to relax himself. But he’s already passed that stage. His anxiety is brimming over, making him fidgety and easily irritated. He feels like it’s his first day of school, all over again. Though that day, Jens had saved him. This time, it’s Jens he’s worried about. </p>
<p>They’re in Jayden’s room in the flat, an hour before Lucas is supposed to meet up with Jens and Robbe. He’s been here most of the morning, trying not to constantly check his phone. He’s been waiting for Jens to tell him he’s changed his mind. That he isn’t coming. Or that he is, but he has no interest in seeing Lucas. But Jens had finally texted him moments ago to say that they were at the train station and to ask if Lucas could show them somewhere to have lunch, if he was free. Lucas had replied instantly that he could, sending Jens the address and agreeing on the time. It had simultaneously calmed him down and made him ten times more nervous. </p>
<p>It could still be a joke, after all. He could go, wait for hours, and Jens might not show up. </p>
<p>As soon as he has the thought, he shoves it away as ridiculous. Jens would never do that to him. Jens would never do that, full stop. Lucas knows this. He knows Jens. </p>
<p>So why the hell is he so worried?</p>
<p>“Ahh, they’re gonna have the same funny accent you did, aren’t they?” Jayden laughs, holding the joint out to Lucas. Lucas accepts it, draws the smoke deep into his chest, then breathes again. </p>
<p>“What’s funny about it?” Lucas raises a brow, challenging. Jayden smiles wider and pokes his cheek. </p>
<p>Kes rolls his eyes. “Don’t be a dumbass, Jayden. If they’re Luc’s friends, they’re cool. We know he has great taste.” He shoots Lucas a wink. </p>
<p>“They were friends,” Jayden points out, “before he moved. It’s not like they’re BFFs now.”</p>
<p>Lucas’s heart gives a painful pang. </p>
<p>“Well, he moved. There were complications. That doesn’t mean they’re not friends anymore. Besides, Luc still keeps in contact with them. Right? Luc?” Kes waves at him. </p>
<p>Lucas blinks, not even realizing his mind had drifted away. Contact. Yes, he’d kept in contact. Sending a few messages every month and stalking Jens’s Instagram daily was contact, right? “Yes,” he says simply. </p>
<p>Kes gestures at him and then shrugs at Jayden. “See?”</p>
<p>“Whatever. I’m excited to meet them.” Jayden hops up on the bed, bouncing lightly and almost kicking Lucas in the thigh. Kes hits half-heartedly at his shins and Jayden dodges, only to knock into Lucas and unbalance himself, crashing into the boy’s lap. Kes bursts out laughing as Lucas sputters, shoving a groaning Jayden off him. Jayden rolls away and hangs his head back over the edge of the bed. Within seconds, he’s grasping at the covers in an attempt to pull himself back up. Kes grabs his arm and hauls him upright. Lucas watches as he blinks, holding a hand to his head. “Woah. Bad idea.”</p>
<p>“Which part?” Lucas asks dryly. “The jumping, the falling, the hanging upside down, or the mixing them all together?”</p>
<p>Jayden considers. “Probably the mixing.”</p>
<p>The door opens and permits Ralph, who’s gaze settles instantly on Lucas. “Am I right in hearing you have friends coming? Old friends? That pretty one you talk about?”</p>
<p>Lucas rolls his eyes, then grins. “I only pick pretty friends. You’ll have to be more specific.”</p>
<p>“The one that starts with a J,” Ralph gestures. “Isn’t it?”</p>
<p>“Jayden?” Jayden smirks. Kes smacks the back of his head. </p>
<p>“Jens,” Lucas offers. “Yeah. But he won’t be coming here. I plan to keep him away from these two as much as possible.”</p>
<p>Jayden gapes and Kes makes an offended noise. Ralph shakes his head at him. “Keeping him all to yourself. Truly offended, Luc. But whatever. If that’s your plan, at least don’t stand him up.” </p>
<p>Lucas checks the time on his phone. “We’re leaving in about ten minutes.”</p>
<p>It’s not that Lucas doesn’t want Kes and Jayden to come with him. They’re his best friends, and Lucas loves them. He wants them all to get along. He especially wants them to like Jens, and for Jens to like them. Jens is the reason he even has them in the first place. </p>
<p>When Lucas moved, he’d had to learn to be on his own for the first time since he was four years old. He had never had to make friends. Jens had come to him, and Jens had brought Robbe. </p>
<p>That in itself had been a complicated thing. It wasn’t that Lucas had ever <i>disliked</i> Robbe. It just...hadn’t been his favourite thing at the beginning. Sharing Jens. He’d been a little worried about it. But his relationship with Jens didn’t change. Robbe had just become a new part of it, a part that Lucas grew to love just as much. </p>
<p>Jens had been the reason, then, that he had two best friends. Lucas never had to do any of the work. He didn’t know how to interact, how to approach people, how to start conversation. </p>
<p>But during their friendship, Jens had given him the space to grow confident in himself. He’d been able to figure out who he was a little bit, been able to start growing comfortable in his own skin, knowing he was safe with his friend. That Jens would remain by his side. On his first day at his new school, he hadn’t let himself feel like crying. On his first day at his new school, he remembered that confidence he had with Jens and Jens’s own chill persona, and he had approached Kes himself. </p>
<p>Kes’s friendship had reminded him of Jens—it still does. There’s nothing Lucas wants more than for them to get along. He wants, for whatever reason, for Jens to approve of his new life. To be proud of him. </p>
<p>To still fit in it. </p>
<p>What he doesn’t want, is for his friends to scare him away. Or to take up all of his time. </p>
<p>Jens is coming to see <i>him</i>. He’s allowed to want him all to himself. That’s a natural best-friend thing. </p>
<p>Right?</p>
<p>~^~</p>
<p>Jens shushes Robbe as he tries to follow the directions on his screen, watching the little arrow move as they go, drawing closer and closer to their destination. Lucas had sent him an address, and Jens was planning to get to wherever it was the same way he’d gotten to the apartment. </p>
<p>By taking a few wrong turns, going completely in the wrong direction, and muttering at Google Maps in frustration. </p>
<p>Robbe is being rather patient as he walks alongside him, but Jens can see him biting his lip, stifling laughter. He shoots him a look of silent contempt and re-centres his screen again. “I don’t know why you’re so confused. It’s only figuring out the first direction and then you should know where you’re going. It’s usually not that hard to follow.”</p>
<p>“Well, my connection’s crap,” Jens defends. “If you’re so good at it, why aren’t you leading us?”</p>
<p>“Because you were all adamant about how this is ‘your trip’ and that you ‘know what you’re doing’ and ‘just shush so I can concentrate, Robbe’.”</p>
<p>Jens barely hears him. He’d glanced up to see if he could guess where they were supposed to be going, almost at the end of their google trail, and stopped paying attention. He locks his phone and shoves it in his pocket, eyes trained on a single spot not even twenty feet away, his heart rate picking up. </p>
<p>Robbe furrows his brows. “Okay, I know you’re struggling to follow that thing but it seems less likely that you’ll find it without it. Whatever ‘it’ is.”</p>
<p>Jens only shakes his head and gestures in front of them, guiding Robbe’s gaze to a group of boys on the sidewalk. They’re outside what looks to be a small convenience store, sitting on a bench. Well, one of them is sitting on the bench, and another is standing in front of him, talking animatedly with his hands. Jens’s gaze, however, settles on the third member of the group, who’s sitting on the arm of the bench with his feet on the seat. He’s shaking his head at whatever the other boy is saying, smile wide. He laughs suddenly and Jens’s breath catches in his throat. </p>
<p>“Lucas,” Robbe says happily, with all the excitement of one seeing an old friend. As it should be. </p>
<p>Jens is excited. Jens is elated. He’s also aware of his sweaty palms and how fast his pulse is racing. Of how he’s still struggling for breath. He doesn’t know what he’s feeling. He wants to run to Lucas and attack him with a hug. He wants to turn and run in the other direction. </p>
<p>But Robbe is already walking towards the group, and Jens has no choice but to follow. </p>
<p>The boy on the bench notices them first, the one with the curly hair and skin a few shades darker than Jens’s. He hits Lucas’s knee and nods towards them. It feels like Lucas’s gaze takes forever to find them, but then his eyes are meeting Jens’s and time stops entirely. No matter how much Lucas has changed, those eyes that Jens has memorised by heart haven’t. For some reason, the thought brings him comfort. </p>
<p>Lucas’s smile is slow and small. Nervous. Jens doesn’t know what his face has been doing, but he feels his lips tilt up in response. His chest is a tangle of nerves and apprehension and excitement; but overall, there’s that sense of something shifting into place. </p>
<p>When they’re only about five feet away, Lucas gets to his feet and meets them, biting his lip as he comes to a stop. Jens’s heart twists and throbs and brings him to a halt. Robbe, though, doesn’t falter. He greets Lucas with a soft but enthusiastic, “Hey,” and Lucas finally grins, pulling him into a hug. </p>
<p>“Hey,” Lucas returns, laughing slightly. </p>
<p>Jens starts. He’s hit with the sudden realization that he’s seen Lucas grow up, has seen every picture, and he <i>has</i> heard him. He has. In the few stories he has posted, Jens has heard tiny snippets of his voice. But actually seeing him, completely 3D, at full height, and hearing the words come out of his mouth—it’s a whole different thing. </p>
<p>Unlike his eyes, his voice has most certainly changed. </p>
<p>Jens can only continue to stand mute as the other two boys join them and Robbe steps back. Lucas’s gaze only flits over Jens before moving to his friends. “Uhm, this is Kes and Jayden. And this is Robbe and Jens.”</p>
<p>Jens’s heart gives a single thump against his ribcage, as if it heard his name and is trying to say hello. To remind Lucas that it still knows him. </p>
<p>Kes is the first to stick his hand out, first to Robbe and then Jens, an easy smile on his face. Jayden follows his lead, his smile wide and cheeky. “We’ve heard a lot about you,” he says, conspiratorially. </p>
<p>Jens assumes he’s talking about them both, and feels his chest get a little lighter. But Jayden’s gaze is only focused on him, and Robbe’s only response is to look sideways at Jens, and Jens realises he needs to get his voice working. He clears his throat and says, steadier than expected, “Only good things, I hope.”</p>
<p>Jayden grins, patting his shoulder. “Well…”</p>
<p>Lucas elbows him, and his gaze finally, <i>finally</i> comes to rest on Jens and stays there. “Only the best things,” he promises, and Jens can’t take it anymore. </p>
<p>He takes a step forward, reaching out, and Lucas meets him in the middle, slinging his arms around Jens’s shoulders. Jens wraps his around his waist and pulls him into a tight hug, dipping his head down onto his shoulder. He breathes him in and moves a hand up to rest between his shoulder blades, bringing him closer. Lucas’s grip is tight on his shoulders, his face turned into Jens’s neck. “Hey,” Jens says. Quiet. Private. Relieved. </p>
<p>Lucas pulls him in even closer and says, “Hey.” Jens’s whole body thrums pleasantly. His heart has dislodged itself to fly around his chest. He hasn’t been within a hundred feet of Lucas in so long. He’d thought about all the ways he could have changed. He hadn’t thought about what it would feel like to touch him again. He hadn’t realised how much he missed it. “It’s good to see you.”</p>
<p>Jens closes his eyes, a wide smile taking over his face. “You too.” It’s almost too good. He’s four, six, ten, thirteen all over again, clinging onto his best friend and being unable to imagine ever letting him go. </p>
<p>But in two weeks, he’ll have to. </p>
<p>Again. </p>
<p>“You got really tall,” Robbe says, a little incredulous, when they finally let go of each other and take a step apart. Jens can’t help but let his hand linger on the other’s wrist for a moment, fingers tangled in his sleeve, before letting it fall back to his side. Lucas is smiling at him now, full and familiar. He is, Jens notes, really quite tall, in comparison to the sprite he used to be. He and Robbe were always roughly the same height, always had Jens towering over them. With Robbe, that hadn’t changed. But Lucas now is the perfect height to lean up and hook his chin over Jens’s shoulder with minimal effort. He has, at least, a good few inches on Robbe. </p>
<p>Lucas smirks and reaches out to ruffle his hair. “And you haven’t changed a bit.” Robbe pulls a face, but it doesn’t take long to fall back into a smile. </p>
<p>“You guys get here okay? Where are you staying?” Kes asks. </p>
<p>“My aunt has abandoned her apartment for a few weeks, so we’ve taken it over. We...took a few wrong turns,” Jens shares a glance with Robbe. </p>
<p>Robbe snorts. “Just a few.”</p>
<p>Lucas nods at the convenience store. “I thought I’d tell you guys to come here in case you wanted to get a few things to keep you going, but there’s a cafe just up the street for lunch.”</p>
<p>“I vote lunch first,” Robbe says. “I’m starving.” </p>
<p>Jayden bounces over to him and throws an arm around his shoulder. Robbe seems confused, but not displeased, so Jens just watches on silently. “You took the words right out of my mouth. Luc,” he looks to his friend and waves a hand. “Lead the way.” </p>
<p>Jens falls into step with Kes and Lucas while Jayden and Robbe walk a pace behind them. He can hear Jayden chattering and Robbe’s responding laughter, but he doesn’t pay attention to the conversation. He’s too focused on Lucas walking alongside him. His gait is casual, his posture easy, and his expression is happy and open as he talks to Kes. He doesn’t look the slightest bit out of place. He doesn’t look the slightest bit unhappy. He doesn’t look the slightest bit lonely. </p>
<p>He doesn’t look the slightest bit like he’s struggled without Jens. He doesn’t look like he needs Jens at all. </p>
<p>He glances at Jens and smiles. “I want to ask how you’ve been but I doubt you can sum it up in the two minutes it takes to get there. And these two are kind of nosy, so,” he shrugs. </p>
<p>Kes glares. “I resent that. Jayden is nosy. I’m interested.”</p>
<p>Jens huffs a laugh as Lucas shakes his head. He bumps Lucas’s shoulder with his own. “It’s okay. We have time, right? I plan to steal you away for at least a few days.”</p>
<p>Lucas gives him a brilliant smile. The one that lights up his face and causes those dimples in his cheek, the one that Jens has only ever seen directed at him. He can’t help but wonder if that’s changed. Still, it feels nice to be on the receiving end of it again. He wasn’t sure he ever would be, after all. Every interaction he gets on this trip, he thinks, is going to feel like a blessing he’ll have to treasure. He’s going to have to engrave every moment in his memory, so he has something to prove it was real when he returns home. When they go back to no contact. </p>
<p>He doesn’t want that to happen, and he does have a mind to change it, but he feels unsure. He knows now how easy it is to fall out of contact. </p>
<p>He’s mostly here in an attempt to figure out why. </p>
<p>The boys stop at a small cream building with a cluster of stools sat outside it and a glass window taking up most of the wall. Jens reads the letters on the glass and smiles, shaking his head. “Cafe Lucas,” he muses, meeting Lucas’s cheeky smile. Another familiar sight, another thing he’d missed. </p>
<p>“It actually has good food, too,” Kes admits. “He just thinks it’s funny, but it’s thankfully more than an ego trip.”</p>
<p>“Right now, any food is good food,” Robbe promises. Jens pats his shoulder sympathetically. </p>
<p>“Okay then,” Lucas pulls open the door and does a little mock bow. “First stop on your Tour de Utrecht.”</p>
<p>Kes rolls his eyes as Jayden bounds in ahead of them all, and steps back to allow Jens and Robbe through. Lucas offers Jens another grin as he walks past him, and Jens’s heart does another happy flutter. </p>
<p>He steps inside and thinks, <i>And so it begins.</i></p>
<p>~^~</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas isn’t sure how to tell Jens he doesn’t really want this new friend.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>When Jens comes up to him during lunch with a boy with curls down to his shoulders and a wandering, deer-in-the-headlights look that reminds Lucas a little too much of himself, he isn’t entirely pleased. Jens is wearing a big smile as he introduces the boy—Robbe—to Lucas, but Lucas is expressionless as he stares back at them. He’s the same age as them but small—even skinnier and shorter than Lucas, though not by much. Next to Jens, however, he looks extra tiny. Robbe gives Jens the same starry-eyed look Lucas knows is usually on his own face in the taller’s presence. Lucas narrows his eyes at him. Neither of the other two notice.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Then Jens says, “This is Lucas. He’s my best friend. I know he can look a little grumpy, but he’s really nice, I promise. The best.” He turns a fond look on Lucas as he says it, and Lucas can’t help but soften.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>He takes Robbe in from head to toe as he mutters a small, “Hi.” It’s all it takes for Lucas to understand. This boy, like he was, is afraid. He, though, is simply shy instead of defensive. Jens most likely found him alone. He has a knack for it, it seems. Lucas should never have expected Jens to be his saviour alone.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>But he had.</i>
</p>
<p><i>And now he’s more than a little disappointed.</i> </p>
<p>
  <i>He tilts his head. “Why have we never seen you before? Are you new?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Robbe gives a tiny nod. “I used to go to a different school.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”So is that why you don’t have any friends?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens shoots him a look. Lucas shrugs at him. Robbe shifts on his feet and stares down at the ground. “I’m not very good at making friends,” he admits quietly. “People at my old school didn’t like me very much.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>This time, Lucas feels himself softening without having to look at Jens. He has an odd feeling that what Robbe means to say is that people weren’t very nice to him at his school. Lucas knows what that’s like. It’s bothered him less and less over the past two years, though. People have tried to bother him less and less. Even if people don’t like him, they don’t say it often. Jens is always by his side, and no one wants to fight with Jens, even if they don’t ‘like’ him either. Lucas doesn’t care about any of them anymore. None of them would be as cool as Jens, anyway. And Jens chose him.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>He thinks Robbe probably didn’t have a Jens, and it makes him a little sad. He feels sorry for him, he supposes.</i>
</p>
<p><i>It doesn’t really mean he wants to share</i> his <i>Jens.</i></p>
<p>
  <i>But he doesn’t want to tell Robbe to go away, either. He thinks, maybe, he’ll be able to like him. Not as much as he likes Jens, but enough. Maybe...it wouldn’t be so bad to have another friend. What if Jens is ever off sick? At least if he was friends with Robbe, he should always have one of them to hang out with. Robbe isn’t mean. He shouldn’t be too hard to get along with.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>It’s okay because Jens called Lucas ‘the best’, not Robbe. So Lucas is still his favourite.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”Do you know how to skateboard, Robbe?” Lucas asks eventually. Robbe blinks at him, and his face falls. He shakes his head. “Me and Jens are trying to learn. Do you want to learn with us too? Jens is already really good, so he can help you. But he’s helping me too.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Robbe’s face lights up. Jens gives Lucas his smile, their smile, the one that is always a mixture of joy and pride and affection and familiarity. The one that always makes Lucas feel seen and known and loved. It’s how he knows he’s done the right thing.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>He does begin to regret it a little bit, though.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>When Jens lets Robbe in on all their inside jokes almost right away, like it’s nothing. When Jens shares his snacks with Robbe as well as Lucas. When Jens walks beside Robbe when Lucas is on the other side, so Jens isn’t next to him at all. When Jens meets him in the morning with Robbe already at his side. When Jens puts his arm around Robbe’s shoulders, or hugs him. When Robbe gives Jens that same starry-eyed look. When Lucas tries to make a plan with just Jens, and Jens immediately thinks it includes Robbe.</i>
</p>
<p><i>He likes Robbe. He does. But he misses Jens. He misses having his friend to himself. Jens has just been</i> his <i>for so long. Lucas knows he should be able to share him. He knows that, at least, Robbe is deserving of it. Still, it doesn’t mean he wants to.</i></p>
<p>
  <i>It’s what drives him to ask, after two months of this new friendship, on a day Robbe is off sick, in a very quiet voice, “Do you like Robbe better than me?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens whips his head around to look at him and frowns. “What? Why would you ask that?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas shrugs, looking down at his hands. Jens leans around him in an attempt to catch his gaze and he turns his face to the side, staring out at the playground. “I don’t know. It’s just...you don’t really need to hang out with me anymore. If you have a new friend now. And you like him better.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”But why would I not want to hang out with you anymore? I don’t like anyone better. You’re my best friend.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>That drags a slow, tiny smile onto Lucas’s face, and he chances a look at Jens, through his lashes. “I am?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens is still frowning at him. “Duh. Did you not know that?” Lucas gives another little shrug. “Well, you are,” Jens says confidently. “But, don’t you like Robbe? He’ll be really sad if you don’t, because he really likes you.”</i>
</p>
<p>Not as much as he likes you, <i>Lucas thinks. But he doesn’t say anything. Jens is right. Robbe would be sad. Lucas would be sad, too, if Robbe said he didn’t like him. He’s not one of the mean boys, so he’s not going to say anything to Robbe. Of course not. He just wanted to make sure Jens still likes him best.</i></p>
<p>
  <i>”I do like Robbe. I just...miss you,” Lucas admits, suddenly feeling a little silly.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens looks surprised, then confused, then thoughtful. He gives Lucas a small smile. “Do you want to come back to mine’s after school? Mama got me a new video game. Plus Lies has dance today, so she won’t be there to annoy us.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas smiles brightly. How could he ever say no to that?</i>
</p>
<p><i>It’s only a week later that Lucas fully warms up to Robbe. This time Jens is out sick—they’re pretty sure Robbe passed it on, and Lucas might be next—and Lucas is only going to meet Robbe in the courtyard after having to run back in for his coat. He makes it outside just in time to see a slightly older boy with a lanky build and horrible sneer tug at a fistful of Robbe’s shoulder-length curls.</i> </p>
<p>
  <i>He’s speaking when Lucas reaches them, likely saying something equally horrible. Lucas doesn’t hear it over the resounding sound of Robbe’s small cry and his own pulse roaring in his ears. “Hey,” he cuts the boy off. He does his best to remember that expression Jens had taught him—a glare—which Jens said would help scare such people away. He finds that, in his anger, it comes easily. He plants himself in front of Robbe and straightens his shoulders. “Piss off.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>The older boy blinks at him. Then he starts to laugh. “Who are you? His boyfriend?” he teases, laughing louder to himself.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”Who are you?” Lucas retaliates. “And why are you so horrible? He didn’t do anything to you. Leave him alone.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>None of the words seem to register, the other boy still laughing. “He’s almost crying, like a girl. It’s funny.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas bristles. He has met many mean boys. Ones who threw things at him and called him names and teased him. He has never disliked any of them as much as this...idiot. Yes, idiot. He never stood up to any of those boys, for himself. But Jens had. Because Jens is his best friend. He’s Robbe’s, too. But since Jens isn’t here, Lucas will have to do it. By now, he’s sure he knows how. He stands tall and points at a broad boy across the playground, waiting for the idiot to see him before saying, “If that boy punched you in the face, I bet you would cry too. And then you would not think it is funny.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>The older boy huffs. “But he isn’t going to punch me in the face.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”No,” Lucas agrees. “Because he’s smarter than you. But maybe he should. Because you’re mean.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas feels pleased when the older boy doesn’t seem to have a response to that. Robbe’s fingers curl in his sleeve and give a sharp, warning tug. Lucas shifts his weight to stand back a little closer to him, while still fully protecting him. The sneer returns to the idiot’s face as he says, “Maybe I should punch you. Then we’ll see who’s smarter.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”It would not be very smart,” Lucas says simply, gesturing across the space once again. “Because that teacher has been watching you since you pulled his hair and she does not look pleased. We aren’t bothering you. Just leave us alone and find something actually funny. Or a friend. I think you will feel much better.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>The boy glares at him then, he thinks, but he doesn’t say anything else before huffing and walking away. Lucas lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and turns to Robbe, frowning as he examines his hair. “Are you okay?” he questions. “Was he here before I came out?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Robbe shakes his head, seeming dazed. He’s giving his starry-eyed look to Lucas. It turns into a bright, dazzling grin that is tinged with awe as he exclaims, “You were so cool! You weren’t scared at all! How did you do that?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas was terrified. He’d just had to ignore it. For Robbe. He shrugs. “Jens has done it for me before. Are you okay?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Robbe only grows even more excited. “We have to tell Jens when he comes back. He’ll be so proud! But I think he’ll be sad he missed it.” He softens then again, settling into his familiar shyness as he looks up at Lucas. “And I’m okay. Thank you.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas isn’t entirely sure if the warmth in his chest is caused by the thought of Jens being proud of him, Robbe’s earnest thanks, or Robbe’s quiet smile. He thinks, oddly, that it’s a mixture of all three. He grins brightly at Robbe and wraps an arm around his shoulders like Jens always does to them, patting his hair down affectionately. “You’re welcome. Do you think he really would have punched me, if I hadn’t pointed out the teacher?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”I thought he was even going to punch you after that.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas’s laughter comes easily, as does his love for Robbe. It carves a permanent place in his heart in that moment without him even noticing—as if it’s merely filling in a spot that was always meant to be there, that had been waiting for him. He only realizes some months later that he is no longer jealous of Robbe; that, in fact, he loves him just as much as Jens does.</i>
</p>
<p>~^~</p>
<p>Lucas’s heart keeps beating out of rhythm. </p>
<p>It’s the fifth day of Jens and Robbe’s trip, and the open day of the university that Lucas promised to accompany them to. They’ve already done the campus tour and attended a few talks. Now they’re taking the break as an opportunity to have lunch and wander around on their own. Lucas is trying to focus on the buildings, the surroundings, the students bustling around—anything but Jens at his side. </p>
<p>Really, right at his side. If Lucas didn’t have his arm tucked so closely to his body, it’d be brushing Jens’s. If he moved his fingers about an inch, he could be holding Jens’s hand. </p>
<p>Lucas really cannot think about that. </p>
<p>“Kes and Jayden didn’t want to come to this?” Jens asks eventually, turning to Lucas with a curious look. </p>
<p>Lucas shakes his head. “Kes is coming with his sister tomorrow. Jayden might go with him, but Jayden also doesn’t have much interest. I’d say Kes is probably going to have to drag him.” He would’ve come today just to be nosy, and Lucas had almost taken that as the opportunity to drag him out. But this is already the fifth day of their trip, and Lucas hasn’t had a moment alone with Jens, despite seeing him everyday. Today, though, the only other companion is Robbe, who Lucas also wants more time to catch up with. </p>
<p>Besides, he’ll have to go to the bathroom or something at some point, right? </p>
<p>“Are you all planning to go here together?” Robbe asks. </p>
<p>They are. Lucas and Kes have been talking about it all year. Jayden’s a bit up in the air, but they’d love for him to come with them. It’s a large part of why Lucas is actually excited about it. </p>
<p>He doesn’t want to think about it now, though. He loves Kes and Jayden, and they are his best friends, and he’ll be very happy to maybe be roommates with them and keep going to parties with them and be their little group. But being here with Robbe and Jens—the two people who used to hold that title, who meant more to him than anyone else in the world, and who have clearly now formed their own new friend group and are even closer themselves—is making him miss them even more than before. He doesn’t want to think of another part of his life he’s planning to experience without them. He doesn’t want to think about coming here without them everyday when they’re next to him now. When he doesn’t have to think about it. </p>
<p>But he can’t explain that. So he says, “Yeah, I think so. Kes especially is really excited about it.”</p>
<p>“I get why,” Jens shrugs. “It’s a good uni.”</p>
<p>Lucas’s breath catches. He entertains the possibility for just a moment. Jens is here to see it, after all. Isn’t he? He wouldn’t have come all this way to do that if he wasn’t interested. Lucas had been watching his face during the Sound Engineering &amp; Music Production lecture, had seen how he’d leaned forward and listened more attentively, had taken note of the small, curious smile on his face. Like it had grabbed his interest. His throat closes up at the mere thought. Of Jens choosing uni here. Of Jens living on this campus, this close to Lucas, where he could see him everyday. Of Jens living with <i>him</i>, deciding to get accommodation together, sharing housing with Lucas and Kes and Jayden. Or simply Lucas. </p>
<p>Kes would murder him for the thought, and he hates himself a little bit for it, but it’s Jens. Lucas had always wanted to be with him as much as possible, had always wanted to be sharing Jens’s space and time. </p>
<p>Now, after years of missing out, he feels deprived of it. Jens had always felt like the reason he was able to get air in his lungs. He’s been holding his breath for so long, and now he can feel himself gasping for air. Two weeks isn’t enough time to get what he needs. But he’s going to breathe in as much as he can and build up a reserve, anyway. </p>
<p>The need to be close to Jens is stronger than ever. Lucas wants it more than anything. He’d abandon anything and everything else in a heartbeat. </p>
<p>The fact that Jens is more beautiful than ever doesn’t make matters easier. </p>
<p>Lucas had known, objectively. But he hadn’t been prepared to see it up close. Looking at Jens now makes his chest tighten and his stomach flutter and his face heat. When Jens looks at <i>him</i>, the effect is even stronger. It sets his skin on fire and leaves him thrumming with energy. His throat dries up and his palms start to sweat. His heart slams wildly against his ribcage in an attempt to break free and settle itself in Jens’s hands. </p>
<p>Lucas almost allows it to. It’s getting harder and harder to stop it. </p>
<p>He clears his throat and says, “Have you guys decided where you’re going, yet?”</p>
<p>Jens gives him a look he doesn’t even try to understand and shrugs. “I’m still thinking about it. I thought I had a good idea, but now…” he shrugs again. Lucas smiles and tries to keep his scream internal. Jens nudges Robbe. “What do you think of this one?”</p>
<p>Robbe looks around, as if his thousandth glance will make up his mind, and bites his lip. “It’s nice, but...there’s a few good courses closer to home. I think Mama would rather I stay there, and when it’s as good as anywhere else, if not better…” Robbe shrugs. </p>
<p>Jens rolls his eyes. “That, and it’s closer to Sander.”</p>
<p>Lucas perks up as Robbe blushes, ducking his head even as he throws his hands up and gives another little shrug. “What’s wrong with that?”</p>
<p>Jens only gives him a light shove with a laugh, shaking his head. “I’m sure he’ll be happy to hear it.”</p>
<p>“Sander?” Lucas questions lightly. “He’s the blonde one, right?” Lucas has always kept track of Robbe’s instagram. He’s not that bad of a friend. </p>
<p>He remembers the first post Robbe had made with Sander, remembers seeing their pose and the smiles on their faces and reading ‘Welke kast?’ and feeling his heart burst. He’d wanted to message Robbe so badly, that day. He’d opened the chat, hovered his thumbs over the keys, but he hadn’t typed anything. He’d wanted to leave a comment, saying anything, ‘proud of you’, just a simple heart, absolutely anything, but he didn’t. He did nothing but like the post and explode internally with pride and joy and loss and guilt. Anything he could’ve sent Robbe would have been insignificant. It was no longer Lucas’s place to be proud of him, to comment on it. He’d barely spoken to Robbe in years—his support then felt meaningless. The fact that he’d been so surprised at the development was proof that he’d been too detached, that he didn’t have any right to insert himself back into Robbe’s life then. </p>
<p>But god, how he’d wanted to. Because of course, he hadn’t been that surprised. Robbe has always reminded Lucas of himself in more ways than one. </p>
<p>Robbe shoots a look at Jens and then nods, giving Lucas a hesitant smile, and suddenly Lucas regrets not writing that message. “Yeah, my boyfriend,” Robbe says, voice filled with more confidence than he probably feels. Still, Lucas feels that extra burst of pride. The same as he’d felt seeing that post and every little public gesture Robbe had done afterwards. </p>
<p>Lucas grins. “Maybe I’ll have to come to Antwerp to meet him.”</p>
<p>Robbe brightens instantly, a wide smile taking over his face, but it’s Jens who asks, “Really?” He sounds oddly breathless, and Lucas looks at him to find him wearing a dumbfounded expression, eyes shining with something like hope. Lucas tells himself he’s imagining it. He only gives a tiny shrug, smile softening. </p>
<p>“Sander would love you,” Robbe sighs, easily breaking the tension. “Do you still draw, too?”</p>
<p>He does. He’s lost count of the amount of times he’s got distracted sketching Robbe’s curls, or Jens’s eyes, or Robbe’s hands, or Jens’s hair, or Kes’s smile, or Jens’s profile, or Jens’s shoulders, or Jens’s lips. “Yeah. It’s been a good way of helping me remember your faces.”</p>
<p>Robbe gives him a warm, sad kind of smile. Jens appears crestfallen for an instant, but it’s gone so quickly that Lucas thinks he imagined it. It’s replaced by a scoff and a smirk as Jens gestures at himself. “As if you could ever forget this face,” he jokes. </p>
<p>Lucas isn’t going to bother telling him how right he is. </p>
<p>Even though Lucas hadn’t seen it in person in years, he’d studied it attentively in every image he could find, in every ‘Broerrrs’ vlog he watched, in every crevice of his memory. It had even visited him in his dreams more often than he’d like to admit. He’s known, since he first left him, that he missed Jens. It’s only now that he’s with him again that he’s realising just how much. </p>
<p>“Maybe you could draw us again now that you have an actual reference,” Robbe suggests, slightly hopeful, giving Lucas his raised-brow, dimpled smile. </p>
<p>“Don’t you have enough drawings of yourself?” Jens nudges him. “Does Sander even do anything else anymore?”</p>
<p>“He goes to art school, Jens, obviously he draws more.”</p>
<p>“I’ll believe it when I see it.”</p>
<p>Lucas can’t help but smile at the interaction, even though he feels a little left out. He has never even met Sander. It’s clear, though, that both boys are very familiar with him. It’s clear that Robbe is very much in love with him. It’s clear that Lucas has missed a lot. </p>
<p>But it’s nice to be able to catch up even this much. It feels good to be given these insights, to have Jens and Robbe act normal and talk about their lives so naturally, so casually, as if Lucas is still a part of it. </p>
<p>It just utterly sucks that he isn’t. </p>
<p>“I do think Sander would like you, though,” Jens says, directing his attention to Lucas once more. “You’d probably get on really well, actually.”</p>
<p>“Well, who wouldn’t like me?” Lucas manages to joke, earning himself a smile. Jens even nods like he agrees with him. The familiar fond, warm smile is what lets Lucas admit, “I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot.”</p>
<p>Robbe’s boyfriend. The issues with his parents (his mother in particular) that were so like Lucas’s own that he felt he really should have been there. Their new friends. Their YouTube channel. Lotte growing up. </p>
<p>Jens’s girlfriend. </p>
<p>Girlfriends, really. Of course Jens has had more than one. Even Lucas had that, and he didn’t have the same interest as Jens. He should have expected it. He did expect it. He just could never quite bring himself to be happy about it. Even as he liked posts and lurked on profiles and stared too long at comments, he tried very hard not to see it. To ignore that it was happening. </p>
<p>So of course it makes complete sense that he’s gearing up to ask about it now. </p>
<p>“I’m sure we have, too,” Robbe says gently. “But we have some time to catch up.”</p>
<p>Lucas gives him a smile and is surprised when Jens wraps an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close to his side. His heart stutters as Jens gives him a tight squeeze. “Okay. Catch up time. Where do we start?”</p>
<p>“Uh,” Robbe considers. “We met Moyo, and then Aaron. I finally got a haircut. Started doing the vlogs. Mama got diagnosed, Dad ran for the hills, things went to shit, then I met Sander, things got better. That’s it.”</p>
<p>“That’s…” Lucas doesn’t even know what that is. “That’s a lot.” They’d known before Lucas left that Robbe’s parents were having very similar problems, and Robbe had given him the full story in the past few days. He’d been, understandably, more open about it than about Sander. Lucas is sure they probably would have spoken about him earlier, but with Kes and Jayden there, Lucas hadn’t wanted to push. Now that it’s just the three of them it’s different. He feels like he can ask more, like they can speak freely. It feels more like <i>them</i>. </p>
<p>He’s still tucked into Jens’s side as they walk, unable to pull himself away even as he begins feeling self-conscious. Jens obviously doesn’t mind, and Lucas isn’t going to pass up such an opportunity. But it’s much more obvious that he almost jumps out of his skin when Robbe’s phone goes off, a song he doesn’t recognise playing as the ring tone.</p>
<p>Jens squeezes Lucas’s shoulder but snorts and asks, “Sander?”</p>
<p>Robbe smiles sheepishly and nods, gesturing a little. “I should...you don’t mind? It’s just, he’d normally just text so if he’s calling…”</p>
<p>“You don’t even need to explain, just go,” Lucas waves him off. He can’t resist teasing, “We always knew you’d be the sappy one anyway.”</p>
<p>Robbe flips him off, grinning, and Lucas feels warm. He’s missed that. He’s missed all of this. It’s only when Robbe wanders off to the side, bringing his phone to his ear as he moves to lean against a tree that Lucas realises he’s been waiting for this. </p>
<p>He and Jens are alone. </p>
<p>Jens seems to have the same realisation. His arm slackens on Lucas’s shoulder briefly, ready to slide off, but then his eyes settle on a picnic bench a few feet ahead and instead he tightens his grip, pulling Lucas along. Instead of sitting on the seat, Jens clambers up and sits on the table, feet planted on the bench. Lucas sits down beside them and, with only a second’s hesitation, props his elbow on Jens’s knee, then his head on his fist, gazing up at him. Jens stares down at him, a soft smile coming to grace his features. He reaches out and fixes one of Lucas’s curls back into place, twirling it carefully between his fingers as he pushes it back. Lucas holds his breath until he moves away, dropping his hand to grip the wood underneath him. </p>
<p>“So,” Lucas speaks up before Jens can, deciding he might as well ask now. “I’ve heard more about Robbe’s life since I left than yours. Anything in particular you want to fill me in on?”</p>
<p>Jens licks his lips and looks out at the campus as he thinks. Lucas doesn’t mind. It means he’s free to look at Jens as much as he wants. “I don’t know. It’s not like I’ve accomplished very much. Lies went to uni in France. Lotte’s still a menace, even though she’s nine now. We’ve mentioned Moyo and Aaron a bit.” He cuts his eyes to Lucas suddenly. “Have you watched our vlogs?”</p>
<p>Lucas knows them by heart. He shrugs. “I might’ve spent a few bored nights checking them out.” Jens flicks his cheek and Lucas jerks his head away, laughing. </p>
<p>He resumes his position as Jens says, “That’s good, because I don’t really know how else to tell you about them. They’re cool, but it was kinda awkward for a bit a while ago. Robbe’s coming out...kinda surprised them more than it would’ve surprised us, I guess.”</p>
<p>Lucas frowns, feeling his chest tighten. “But everything’s chill now?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, completely. They love Sander, too, so,” Jens shrugs, smiling again. </p>
<p>Lucas takes a breath and asks, “And you? What about your love life?”</p>
<p>Jens seems to freeze at the question, simply looking at him. He brings his hands into his lap and twists them together, then shrugs. “It’s been...okay.”</p>
<p>“Okay?” Lucas raises a brow. “What about...Jana, isn’t it?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, Jana,” Jens sighs, shrugging again. “It was great. I loved her, actually. But the circumstances,” Jens trails off, and Lucas is suddenly intrigued. </p>
<p>He sits back and rests his hand on Jens’s knee, fingers resting on his skin through the rips in the jeans. “Come on, Jens. It’s me.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, it’s just. It’s not a great look for me, I guess. Before her, I was with Britt. She was, uhm. She was Jana’s best friend. And I cheated on her with Jana. Which meant, then, Jana didn’t trust me, and I...I lied to her about a few things and made it worse. And she ended up cheating on me. Then breaking up with me.”</p>
<p>Lucas sits back further, stunned. This isn’t anywhere in the realm of what he was expecting. He hadn’t taken Jens for someone who would cheat, in the first place. He comes to the quick conclusion, though, that he must have really been in love. That he can imagine, that he takes as an easy explanation. Jens has always been a lover. Lucas has always known that. Once Jens has really attached himself to someone, it’s rare for him to let go. Lucas should know that better than anyone. Jens would have kept in contact with him, he knows, if he’d let him.</p>
<p>The thought of anyone having Jens like that and letting him go baffles him. The thought of anyone cheating on Jens floors him.</p>
<p>“I’m making it sound worse than it was,” Jens shakes his head, “on her part. It wasn’t like that. There’s a lot more to the story. I just don’t like talking about it much, I guess.”</p>
<p>Lucas nods. He’d forgotten he still has a hand on Jens’s knee, and he pats it awkwardly, clearing his throat. “That’s understandable. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to. You know you don’t have to explain yourself to me.”</p>
<p>Jens relaxes at that. A tension Lucas hadn’t even noticed was in him seems to seep from his shoulders, and he nods gratefully, a smile returning to his face. Lucas gives his knee a squeeze this time and smiles back. “What about you? What have I been missing out on?”</p>
<p>Lucas can’t imagine Jens has been missing out on anything. Lucas’s life has been boring—meaningless, almost—without him. The only thing ‘missing’ is Jens. </p>
<p>Lucas gives a tired smile and says, “Not much of a love life, anyway.”</p>
<p>Jens huffs a laugh. “Really? With that face? I find that hard to believe.” Lucas rolls his eyes and tries very hard to brush the comment off as the light joke it clearly is. It doesn’t stop his heart from giving another insistent bang at his rib cage, though. “You seemed to pick up good friends for yourself, anyways.”</p>
<p>“Yeah. Yeah, they’re great. You must have taught me some social skills after all.”</p>
<p>Jens ruffles his hair with another quiet laugh, smile soft and eyes fond. “What about your mom? How’s she been doing?”</p>
<p>Lucas should’ve expected this question, considering he’s been avoiding the topic the past few days. He directs his gaze to the table top and takes his hand from Jens’s knee to trace a knot in the wood. “She’s been okay. There was a while there where things went really...downhill. I thought she was going to have to be committed to a clinic. But she didn’t want to, so I fought for her. She got through it fine at home, where she wasn’t alone. She’s doing a lot better now again, but I try to pay more attention. Get in before it gets too bad.”</p>
<p>Jens knocks his knee against his shoulder gently, a comforting gesture. The most he can do with his hands now stuffed in his pockets. Lucas appreciates the tiny second of contact and looks up at Jens’s concerned expression. “That sounds like you’re giving yourself a lot of responsibility.”</p>
<p>“I’d rather that than leave her struggling. It’s less stressful this way, really.”</p>
<p>“Shouldn’t your dad be doing that, though? That’s a lot on you, Luc.”</p>
<p>Lucas’s heart throbs at the nickname coming from Jens’s mouth, achingly familiar and yet so foreign. It’s all it takes for the words to slip out. “Maybe if he was around.”</p>
<p>Jens’s brow furrows instantly and Lucas realises his mistake. “Why’s he not around? Where is he?”</p>
<p>Lucas takes a breath and admits, “He left.”</p>
<p>“Who left?”</p>
<p>Robbe has rejoined them, phone still in his hand. He glances between Lucas and Jens with a questioning, mildly concerned gaze and ultimately settles his attention on Lucas, even though it’s Jens who says, “His dad.”</p>
<p>Robbe’s eyebrows shoot up. “Really? Why didn’t we know that?”</p>
<p>Lucas shrugs, again. He can’t look at either of them. He can’t explain why they don’t know. He doesn’t know himself. He’d wanted to tell them, at the time. It was all he’d wanted. But he’d felt too separated by then. He wasn’t going to go crawling back in a desperate search for comfort. “I don’t know. I didn’t really talk to anyone much while it was happening, aside from Kes. I didn’t even realise I hadn’t said anything. I wasn’t hiding it or anything, though. It’s just...normal now, and I forgot.”</p>
<p>“How long ago?” Jens questions, after a moment of silence. </p>
<p>Lucas thinks. “Around a year and a half?”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Robbe says, at the same time Jens mutters, “Fuck, Luc.”</p>
<p>Lucas feels like he might throw up. Or cry. He doesn’t want to do this. He doesn’t want to make them realise how much he’d pushed them away, how little they know him now. He doesn’t want them to realise, to remember, that he isn’t really their best friend anymore. He turns to Robbe and asks, “Everything okay with Sander?”</p>
<p>Robbe stares at him for a moment and Lucas waits with bated breath. Then he nods. “It’s chill. He isn’t doing so well, but he told me he’ll manage, so.”</p>
<p>“Was he okay before you left?” Jens asks, sufficiently distracted. Robbe gives a tiny shake of his head. “You should have told me.”</p>
<p>“I spoke to him about it. He told me that I should go, that he’d be okay until I get back. That he’d call if he needed me. That’s why I had to answer. I needed to check.”</p>
<p>Lucas looks back and forth between the two and tries not to look too lost. Realisation hits Robbe, though, and he says, “Sander is bipolar too.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” That’s a little bit unexpected, but not as surprising as Lucas might’ve thought. It makes sense, he thinks, that out of all of them, such a person would come into Robbe’s orbit and latch onto his warmth, his safety. He’d always been softer than Lucas. Kinder. He has the patience and understanding to have such a love, that much is sure. The knowledge fills Lucas with an odd kind of warmth. “But he’s okay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Robbe sighs. “It’s harder to tell when I can’t see him, but I can’t push. Or spend all my time worrying. We need to be able to do things like this and trust each other to communicate properly.”</p>
<p>“That’s very mature of you, Robbe,” Jens muses. </p>
<p>Lucas agrees. “You suddenly have all the wisdom.”</p>
<p>Robbe shrugs, smiles his little sheepish smile. “Maybe that’s what love does,” he jokes, but he doesn’t seem sure that he’s joking. Lucas thinks it’s probably a true enough statement, if you have what Robbe clearly does. That steady, mutual kind of love is bound to give you the space to grow smarter, to mature. In Lucas’s experience, he knows love can also make you incredibly stupid. </p>
<p>He realises Jens’s attention is focused on him again, expression unreadable as he agrees in a similar tone. “Yeah. Maybe.”</p>
<p>~^~</p>
<p>Jens has spent too long staring at the ceiling. An unfamiliar bed usually doesn’t bother him. He can sleep pretty much anywhere, through pretty much anything, but he can’t stop his mind from racing. He can’t get rid of the tight, anxious feeling in his chest, the worry of loss, of losing again. He’s realised there’s nothing familiar here, and now it makes his skin crawl. He doesn’t know what to do with it. A part of him wants to get up and pack his bags and get on the earliest train back home. </p>
<p>The rest of him recoils at the thought, begging him to stay here forever. </p>
<p>He’s starting to get the feeling, though, that Lucas doesn’t want him to. That coming here to see him was a mistake. Because of course that’s why he’s here. Of course that’s why he’s even considering going to university here, even more seriously now that he’s been there, now that he’s walked the campus with Lucas at his side. He’d imagined it, for a while, a brief few hours, and let himself think it was possible. He could have Lucas in his life again. </p>
<p>Then he was made to realise he’s already been removed from Lucas’s life. Lucas has experienced four years without him, and he has new friends to experience it with him. When he needs someone, he has them. He has <i>Kes</i>. Kes is the one he goes to now, Kes is the one he seeks comfort from, Kes is his best friend. The person Lucas went to when his world was falling apart and his mother was collapsing and his father had abandoned them. Kes was there, and Lucas had been taken care of. </p>
<p>Jens hadn’t even <i>known</i>. </p>
<p>He feels tears prick at the back of his eyes and he digs the heels of his hands into them. He isn’t going to cry. That’s ridiculous. He’s being dramatic. </p>
<p>He’s survived four years without Lucas. <i>At this point, what fucking difference does it make? It’s just because I made the mistake of coming here. He’d already moved on and I already knew it. This whole thing was stupid.</i> </p>
<p>He doesn’t even understand why it hurts so much. He doesn’t understand why he cares so much. Lucas had started slowly slipping from his life not long after he left, and he’s almost completely disappeared since. Coming all this way after all this time is very clearly Jens desperately clinging on to any last hope of reconnection. Why? Why is he even bothering? Friends grow apart. Especially childhood ones. People grow up. Change. Move countries. Jens should just accept that their life lines have diverged, that they’re no longer tangled together, that they’re separated and meant to remain that way. Maybe that’s the way they were always meant to be. So why is Jens trying so hard to keep holding on?</p>
<p>The problem is, he knows why. He thinks he’s always known, but it’s becoming more and more evident on this trip. It’s hard to ignore how his heart beats louder, how his pulse races, how his palms sweat. The heat in his stomach and the warmth in his chest. The insistent tug in his gut, drawing him to Lucas the same way it had thirteen years ago and every day since. It’s impossible to let go. He feels like if he did, it would tear him apart, ripping him open from the inside out. </p>
<p>It’s possible friendship could do that, Jens thinks. Losing Robbe, for example, would be worse than losing a limb. </p>
<p>But Lucas, as he’s always known, is his other half. Losing him would be losing himself. Jens doesn’t know who he is without Lucas. He doesn’t want to be anyone without Lucas. </p>
<p>He drags himself out of bed and pads quietly out of the room and across the hall, hesitating for only a second at Robbe’s door before pushing it open. Robbe looks around at him instantly, visibly lit up by the light coming in from the hallway and the glow of the phone under his ear. Jens freezes in the doorway, but Robbe smiles and flicks the covers down in a clear invitation. Jens shuts the door quietly and slinks in, settling down next to his friend and pulling the covers up to his neck. </p>
<p>“What?” Robbe questions, shifting more comfortably onto his side and tightening his grip on his phone. “No, it’s just Jens.” There’s a brief pause, and Robbe mouths, ‘You okay?’ Jens swallows and nods, but moves a little closer, until he’s within the circle of the other boy’s warmth. Robbe drapes his free hand around the back of Jens’s neck and gives a comforting squeeze. “Yeah, he’s okay. You don’t have to go. It’s just Jens. It’s okay. Yeah, yeah I am here for him. I can be here for you both. Okay? Do you want to join us?”</p>
<p>He gives Jens a questioning glance, too, and waits for his nod before setting his phone on the pillows between them, now on loud speaker. Sander’s tired voice rings through to say, “Hi, Jens.”</p>
<p>“Hey,” Jens replies, equally quiet. “You doing okay?”</p>
<p>“I’ve been better,” Sander admits. “You? I don’t imagine you’d crawl into bed with Robbe just for the fun of it.”</p>
<p>“Well, he needs someone to keep him company,” Jens jokes, knowing they both know he’s avoiding the topic. The look Robbe gives him is message enough. He lowers his voice even further to say, “I don’t want to talk. I just want to lie here. Is that okay?”</p>
<p>Robbe gives his neck another squeeze and sends him a soft smile, nodding. Sander is silent on the other end for a few moments, but Jens can hear the occasional breath, still too irregular for him to be asleep. He feels a blanket of peace settle over him, easing the pressure on his chest and allowing air back into his lungs. It doesn’t matter that he’s still thinking about Lucas, that he’s thinking about having with him what Robbe has with Sander, wishing for it and feeling a deep ache at the knowledge that it’s out of his control. With Robbe’s hand now resting lightly on his bicep and his warmth seeping through Jens and Sander’s virtual presence another calming factor, Jens can breathe. He can be distracted, just enough to hopefully allow him to sleep. </p>
<p>Sander says, “I think Robbe should sing us both a lullaby. What do you think, Jens?”</p>
<p>Robbe makes a small noise of protest and Jens’s lips quirk up in a very small smile. “I think that’s a great idea.”</p>
<p>“Neither of you are as funny as you think,” Robbe mumbles, and Sander and Jens both laugh quietly. They don’t really have to be quiet, Jens supposes. But they don’t want to break the peace they’ve created. Jens sinks into the comfort of it as Robbe and Sander continue to banter quietly, tiredly, lapsing into longer and longer silences. Robbe snuggles in closer to Jens, leaving just a few comfortable inches between them and settling closer to his phone, still lighting up the space between them. </p>
<p>Robbe asks, “You sure you don’t want to talk at all?” and Jens nods. Sander softly says, “There’s always tomorrow,” in response to their silence and Jens nods again. Robbe says, half asleep, “I really love you both,” and Jens closes his eyes and finally lets sleep consume him. </p>
<p>~^~</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens is ten when he realises he’d do anything for Lucas.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>It’s a Wednesday evening when the boy shows up at his house, unplanned and unannounced, with shaking hands and watery eyes. Jens comes out to his hallway to see him standing next to his dad, still outside the door that his mother’s just opened. Their parents are talking, but as soon as Lucas’s eyes land on Jens he slips through the open gap. He comes instantly to Jens and clings to his arm, standing resolutely at his side. His dad sighs and shakes his head, giving Jens’s mother an apologetic look. “I was planning on taking him to his aunt’s, but he insisted. I even told him he could come with us, but he just asked for Jens.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas squeezes Jens’s arm tightly, and Jens feels his chest clench with worry. Jens pulls his arm away and hears Lucas’s breath hitch before he grabs the smaller boy’s hand, squeezing comfortingly. There’s definitely something wrong. He doesn’t know what it is, but he can easily tell Lucas is sad, so he understands. If he was sad, he’d want to go to Lucas, too.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>He gives his mother a pleading look as she smiles over her shoulder at them, and she nods as she turns back to Mr Van der Heijden. “Of course. Lucas is welcome here any time. He can stay with us for as long as he wants. As long as you need.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>The man purses his lips and gives a grateful nod, setting a blue duffel bag inside the door. “You sure that’s what you want, Lucas?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas tightens his grip on Jens and nods firmly. He says, quietly, “Thank you, Mrs Stoffels.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>She turns to give Lucas a warm smile and caress his hair. “Of course, sweetheart. And you know you can call me Fenna.” Lucas smiles back and relaxes a little, slumping slightly against Jens’s side. Fenna turns back to Lucas’s dad and says, “And Finn, you know if you need anything else, just let us know.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>The man gives her another grateful nod and a hesitant smile. He looks very tired, Jens realises. Not quite as sad as Lucas, but sad in that way Jens has noticed adults get sad. Much more privately, much more subtle. It’s easy to see now in the bags under Finn’s eyes, the tired downturn of his mouth, the defeated slope of his shoulders. “Thanks, Fenna. It should only be a few days. A week, at most. I’ll be able to take him home again after that.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”If he needs to stay longer than that, it’s really no problem. Now that it’s summer and the boys are around all day, it might be better for him here with Jens to keep him company. We’ll take care of him and keep you updated the whole time.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>One final nod. “Thanks. I’ll let you know how things are going.” He looks at his son. “I’ll see you later then, alright, Lucas? If you need anything, just tell Fenna and she can call me.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas gives a tiny nod. “Okay.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Finn doesn’t wait around, heading back to his car almost at a jog. Fenna closes the door and turns to them, settling a hand on Lucas’s head again. “Are you alright now, Lucas?” Lucas nods again. “Okay. You can get settled in with Jens and then we’ll have dinner in a little while.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens moves to lift Lucas’s bag and has to wait a few moments for Lucas to release his hand. Then he hoists it up and slings it over his head, turning back to Lucas with a smile. “I could take it,” Lucas says.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”But I’m bigger,” Jens reminds him, grinning. Lucas rolls his eyes, but a smile tugs at the edges of his lips, and he seems calmer. Jens softens before adding, “Come on.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>He leads Lucas to his room after taking his hand again, dragging him along after him. He places Lucas’s bag carefully at the foot of his single bed as Lucas closes the door. Once Jens turns back to him, Lucas is moving forward and burrowing into his chest, hugging him tightly around the waist. Jens blinks in surprise, but wraps his arms around Lucas and hugs him back. Lucas’s shoulders are shaking slightly, and after a moment, Jens realises he’s crying, muffling quiet sniffles against Jens’s shoulder. Jens holds him tighter and asks, “Luc, what’s wrong?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”Mama had to go to the hospital,” Lucas mumbles, after struggling to get his breath under control. He makes a tiny, choked noise against Jens’s collarbone. “She was...she was upset yesterday, and she was fighting with Dad, and throwing things, and then she wouldn’t come out of her room today, but I found her in the bathroom and she—she wasn’t moving, and I thought maybe she fell, but she—“</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>He cuts himself off with another strangled breath, and Jens squeezes him tightly even as his own heart races. “It’s okay, Luc. I’m sure she’s okay. It’s okay.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”I think she...she took something,” Lucas whispers. “Dad made me stay in my room but I saw the ambulance outside and I heard them and then Dad came and told me he was taking me to my aunt’s in Ghent and I didn’t want—I just—I knew then I wouldn’t see you and I wouldn’t get to see Mama either.“</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens swallows and tries to figure out what to do. His mind races, trying to understand, but he tells himself he doesn’t have to think about it. He isn’t going to know anything Lucas doesn’t, so that isn’t going to help. He just has to figure out what Lucas needs, and then do that. He just has to make Lucas okay. He can’t do anything else, but that’s his job. That’s why Lucas is here. “But if she’s in the hospital, they can take care of her better. Your dad probably just didn’t want you to be scared, or accidentally get in the doctors’ way. And you’re staying with me now. So you don’t have to worry about that.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas loosens his grip on the back of Jens’s shirt and nods. He untangles himself from Jens hastily and wipes his eyes, keeping his gaze on the floor. “I’m sorry for crying on you.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens just smiles. “I’m your best friend. I’d rather you cry on me than anyone else.” Lucas meets his eyes and returns his smile slowly. His eyes and cheeks are red and wet and puffy, but he still seems happy as he looks at Jens. Or at least not as sad. Jens takes his arm and pulls him to the bed, digging around in the duvet for the remote to his TV. He puts it on and then passes the remote to Lucas, who gives him a doe-eyed look. “We’ll watch whatever you want,” Jens says. “Pick anything.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas takes the remote hesitantly and navigates through the channels before settling on Peter Pan. Jens sticks his foot under Lucas’s leg until Lucas hooks his ankle over Jens’s and settles against his side, head falling on his shoulder. Lucas watches Peter Pan chase his shadow with even breaths and a content expression, and Jens allows himself to relax, resting his cheek against the top of his head.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas’s dad calls during dinner, Fenna leaving the table to answer and coming back to sit next to Lucas. He fixes her with a wide-eyed, nervous gaze and asks, “What did he say?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”He said that the doctors did great, and she’s going to be fine. But they’re going to keep her in for a few days to make sure she isn’t sick and to make sure she gets some rest,” Fenna explains gently, resting her hands over Lucas’s.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens leans closer to them and rests a hand on Lucas’s back. Lucas leans into his touch before asking, “Did she wake up?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”Yes, for a little while, but it’s best for her to sleep right now.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas absorbs this with a swallow and nods, accepting. “Can I go see her?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Fenna’s expression is sympathetic. Jens knows what it means. “I’m not sure, sweetheart. She’s going to need a lot of rest, and the doctors will want her to be left alone for a while. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to see you. It’s just so that she can get better quickly and be back home with you as soon as possible. Your dad’s going to call a few times everyday to keep us updated.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas’s lip trembles, but he nods again, gaze focused on the table. Fenna’s look turns pitying. She cups his face and presses a kiss to the top of his head, smoothing his hair down gently as she stands and leaves them in the kitchen. Jens coaxes Lucas up and leads the way back to his room.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>They’ve put the spare mattress out for Lucas, and it’s pushed right up next to Jens’s bed on the floor. Lucas is a tiny lump in the middle of it. Jens keeps glancing down at him and then back at the ceiling, wanting to say something but not knowing what. He just knows Lucas is still awake, and that he’ll probably have trouble getting to sleep.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”I was really scared,” Lucas says quietly. Suddenly. Jens rolls onto his side and looks down at him, but he can only barely make him out in the dim light of his lamp. “When I found her. I couldn’t wake her up. I kept shaking her and calling her and she wouldn’t wake up.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens’s throat feels clogged up, and he can’t speak. He drops his arm over the edge of the bed instead, and after a moment Lucas’s fingers tangle with his. “She’ll be okay, Luc. They’re only keeping her for a few days, right? So you’ll see her again soon.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”Yeah,” Lucas says softly. “I know.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens debates for a moment. Then he slides off the bed and crouches on the mattress next to Lucas. The other boy stares at him in confusion, still holding onto his hand. “You should sleep in the bed,” Jens offers. No—demands. Jens’s bed is very comfortable. He wants Lucas to be comfortable.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>But Lucas shakes his head. Stubborn as ever. “I won’t take your bed. It doesn’t make any difference. I’m just happy you’re here.” Jens considers this, then gets up. He goes to his wardrobe and opens it, digging through the clothes and shoes and blankets stuffed in the bottom until he finds his sleeping bag. He tugs it out of the mess and unrolls it next to Lucas. Then he gets a few blankets and sets them on top. He steps over Lucas carefully to get back to his bed and pulls the duvet off. Then the pillows. He adds it to the pile until he’s made a comfortable nest next to and around Lucas, then he lies down with him.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas looks at him with wide eyes, but he’s wearing the brightest smile Jens has seen all day. Jens plumps his pillow and shifts closer to him, beaming back. “Now I’m right here, so you can be very happy. And we don’t have to argue over the bed.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas’s expression is one of amazement. He smiles an awed smile and whispers, “Thank you.” Jens finds his hand under the covers and links them back together, knowing he doesn’t need to answer. Lucas curls up close to him and looks at him for another moment before shutting his eyes. “Goodnight, Jens.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”Goodnight, Luc.”</i>
</p>
<p>~^~</p>
<p>Lucas calls Kes at nine in the morning, and is at his door three minutes later. Kes doesn’t look one bit irritated at being woken up so early, just swings the door open and allows him in. Lucas finds himself lying on Kes’s bed, staring at the ceiling, as the other boy slumps in his desk chair and watches him. </p>
<p>“Are you going to tell me what’s going on? Or should I guess?”</p>
<p>Lucas takes a deep breath, then clears his throat. “You can guess if you want, that might work.”</p>
<p>Kes heaves a sigh and lets his head fall back, spinning in a lazy circle. He comes to a rest and pins his gaze on Lucas, considering. “I’m guessing it has something to do with your old friends, and I’m guessing, out of the two of them, it’s probably mostly to do with Jens. Am I right?”</p>
<p>Lucas closes his eyes and thinks his lack of answer is answer enough. He stretches out with a groan, rubbing his hands over his face. Kes rolls his chair over to the bed and stares down at Lucas thoughtfully, brows raised. “Talk to me. What’s got you like this? I thought things were going well?”</p>
<p>“What does ‘well’ mean? I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know why they’re here. I don’t know why they’re spending so much time with me while they’re here. I don’t know what they’re thinking. I don’t know what they think of <i>me</i>. I don’t know what I’m doing, Kes.” </p>
<p>He groans again and simply leaves his hands on his face this time, taking a deep breath. He doesn’t know what he’s thinking. He isn’t ready for this. He thought he was, but maybe he isn’t. He can’t explain to Kes. He can’t. </p>
<p>But if it gets rid of this <i>pressure</i>, if it eases the strain on his lungs and lets him breathe, wouldn’t it be worth it? If he says out loud why his heart is breaking, mightn’t that make it hurt less? If he lets some of it go?</p>
<p>“Luc, what are you talking about? They were your best friends for...what, almost ten years? They’re here because they want to see you,” Kes says, like it’s obvious. Like it’s that simple. “They’re obviously trying to reconnect. That’s what you wanted, right?”</p>
<p>When Lucas doesn’t answer, Kes grabs his hands and pulls them away from his face, dragging another groan out of him. Kes gives him a completely unimpressed look that quickly turns back to questioning, his tiny, raised-brow head shake reminding Lucas so much of Jens. Kes has always reminded Lucas of Jens. It had led to some of the most confusing feelings of Lucas’s life, and an almost year-long infatuation. He’d thought it was love at the time. Had been sure of it. It had been the most confusing part, because Lucas has always been sure he’d fallen in love at the tender age of four and that would never change. </p>
<p>He’s now completely sure that it hasn’t, and thus, has decided to recognise those feelings as infatuation caused mostly by that familiarity. </p>
<p>“They’ve already been here for a week. Which means it’s only a week until they leave. Then they’ll go back to their great lives at home and forget I exist again.”</p>
<p>“They very clearly haven’t forgotten you exist.”</p>
<p>“They very clearly aren’t my best friends anymore, either. Robbe didn’t tell me when he got a boyfriend, and I didn’t reach out. Jens didn’t tell me when he got a girlfriend. Or another girlfriend. Or when they started the YouTube channel. Or when his sister went to college in France. Or when he broke up with his girlfriend. Or anything. And I didn’t reach out. I didn’t even tell them when dad left. We aren’t best friends anymore, and it’s my fault. I’ve spent the past four years ignoring him more and more because I—“</p>
<p>He cuts himself off, mouth falling shut as he lets out a breath through his nose. Kes pokes his arm. “Because what?” Lucas keeps staring at the ceiling. Eventually, Kes drags himself up and climbs over Lucas to collapse on the other side of his bed, settling on his back next to him. They lie in silence for a few moments, both staring at the ceiling. “Jens seems like he still wants to be your friend.”</p>
<p>Lucas closes his eyes and swallows. “I don’t want to be friends with him, Kes.”</p>
<p>Kes’s response to that is silence. When it drags on, Lucas opens his eyes and turns to look at him. Kes is already looking back with understanding finally clear in his eyes. “You love him.”</p>
<p>Lucas takes another deep breath and nods. </p>
<p>“I can’t believe I never noticed,” Kes mumbles, mostly to himself. “This whole time?”</p>
<p>Lucas nods again. </p>
<p>Kes softens. “Damn, Luc. Is that why you’ve been pushing him away? You’re scared he doesn’t feel the same?”</p>
<p>Lucas smiles, though there’s nothing happy about it. “He’s had at least two serious girlfriends since I left, and probably a ton of other hookups I’ll never know about. Most likely all female. I don’t think he feels the same.”</p>
<p>“Have you ever asked him?” Kes questions. Lucas gives him a look. Kes holds his hands up and rolls his eyes. “Not if he likes you, but if he likes guys. You never talked about it?”</p>
<p>“I told him,” Lucas admits. “When we were younger. That I didn’t think I liked girls. He asked if I liked boys instead. I told him I didn’t know.”</p>
<p>“And what did he say?”</p>
<p>“He shrugged and smiled and said ‘okay’. Then he was like ‘I think it’d be cool to have a boyfriend’.”</p>
<p>It’s Kes’s turn to give him a look. “Are you serious?”</p>
<p>Lucas huffs. “Yeah, but, he didn’t mean it like that though.”</p>
<p>“How do you know, dumbass? I’ve seen how he looks at you. <i>Now</i>, after not seeing you for four years. He definitely feels <i>something</i>. Don’t you want to know what it is? He wouldn’t come all this way, after all this time, if he didn’t care about you, Luc.”</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Lucas admits. </p>
<p>Kes takes Lucas’s hand and squeezes it. “I’m glad you told me. Now I’m telling you not to let him go again. He’s here for another week. Don’t let that be the last time you see him.”</p>
<p>Lucas heaves another sigh. He feels so tired. He wishes he didn’t feel so much. He squeezes Kes’s hand back. “Thank you. For being so cool. I’m sorry I never told you. But...can you not tell Jayden or the others? Let me do it myself.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Kes says immediately. “You’re my best friend. I’d do anything for you.”</p>
<p>Lucas looks at him and finds him sincere. He smiles, huffs a small laugh, and bumps their shoulders together. Kes digs his elbow into his side in response. </p>
<p>They lie next to each other in silence. Nothing more needs to be said. </p>
<p>~^~</p>
<p>On the tenth day of their visit, Jens is left alone with Lucas. Robbe has barricaded himself in his room to video call Sander (who’s feeling better than he had been a few days ago) and Jens has very politely decided to leave him to it. Lucas had shown up around half an hour ago, appearing hesitantly at the door as if he wasn’t sure he’d found the right place. But he’d smiled at Jens when he saw him, and that was enough to bring a grin to Jens’s own face and set his heart racing. </p>
<p>Robbe kept the conversation going, throwing out minor questions about Lucas’s school and his friends and Utrecht in general, and telling Lucas more about Sander and Moyo and Aaron in return. Lucas answers amicably and shoots the occasional, furtive glance at Jens, quick and private and curious. Jens comes to his senses enough every now and again to make the odd comment, but he spends most of the time staring at his hands in an attempt to pretend he hasn’t actually been staring at Lucas. </p>
<p>There’s been a tension building and lingering between them since the university trip; since the day Jens and Robbe got here; since the day Lucas left. There’s something unanswered between them, something both are too scared to ask. It makes the air heavy and thick—suffocating. Jens wants nothing more than to snap it, to drag Lucas towards him and steal his breaths. Damn the consequences. </p>
<p>It’s manageable, with Robbe there, who pretends not to notice anything amiss. He seems, however, intent on making sure Lucas is staying before he abandons them with a strange, pointed look in Jens’s direction. Jens makes a face at him and rakes his hands through his hair. There’s a finality in the way Robbe’s door clicks shut, but instead of breaking the tension, it pulls it taut. </p>
<p>Lucas, always the truly brave one, looks at him across the table. “He seems really happy. With Sander, I mean.”</p>
<p>Jens blinks, glances towards where Robbe has disappeared. “Yeah, he is. They’re good for each other, I guess. Robbe mellows Sander out and Sander brings him out of his shell. They take care of each other.”</p>
<p>Lucas hums. “Sounds nice.”</p>
<p>Jens isn’t sure how he’s supposed to respond to that, so he doesn’t. He sits and he looks at Lucas and he wonders, again, how they’ve ended up here. At opposite ends of a kitchen table in Utrecht, seventeen years old and back together, but in different worlds. Jens would give anything to be a mind-reader. He wants to know if they’re on the same page (not that he’s sure what page he’s on himself). He wants to know where the line is (although he’s not sure how he can go too far when he doesn’t even know what direction he’s going in). </p>
<p>“Is, uhm,” Lucas starts, lifting up one of the plastic coasters and playing with it. “Is there anything else you want to do? Before you go home, I mean. You’re only here for another few days, right?”</p>
<p>Jens bites his lip. There are a few things he wants to do, but there’s more he wants to say. All in the range of <i>I’m sorry</i> to <i>I don’t get why you stopped replying</i> to <i>I love you. Please tell me you love me. Please tell me I haven’t been getting it all wrong.</i> “Yeah. We leave on Friday, so. Four more days.”</p>
<p>Lucas nods. “Four more days.”</p>
<p>Jens smiles. He doesn’t quite feel like it, but his face still obeys the urgent request. “You gonna miss me?”</p>
<p>Lucas shrugs. Smiles. Nods. Jens wants to touch him. Lucas doesn’t seem like he’d appreciate it. He’s still messing with the coaster, using it to scrape a few scattered crumbs into a pile. He seems to be doing his best to avoid looking at Jens. Jens doesn’t think physical contact would be appreciated. </p>
<p>He clears his throat and says, “You don’t have to, you know.” Lucas looks up at him with furrowed brows and Jens adds, “Miss me. I don’t have to just...go.”</p>
<p>Lucas huffs, raising his brows. His smile is tired. “You gonna move here?”</p>
<p>“No, but, there are other ways to stay in contact. I’m living an hour away, not on another planet. You don’t even have to cross an ocean.” <i>I’m still here. I’ve always been here. Just tell me you still want me to be. Don’t disappear on me again.</i></p>
<p>Lucas bites down on his bottom lip, so hard it looks painful. Jens wants to run his thumb over it. “It’s not the same as having you here, though.”</p>
<p>Jens can’t stop the words that escape next. “Is that why you stopped talking to me?”</p>
<p>The coaster drops. Lucas looks up at him. “I didn’t stop talking to you,” he says quietly. </p>
<p>Jens curls his hands together and tries not to dig his nails into his skin. “You haven’t been initiating a lot of conversation, either.”</p>
<p>“Neither have you.”</p>
<p>“Because I never get a worthwhile response, Luc,” Jens says. There’s a wobble to his voice that he hates. He steels himself before trying again. “I’d text you and you’d take days to reply. Sometimes you just never did. I don’t expect daily messages, obviously. I get it, okay? I never expected that to be the case. It’s been four years. But we said we’d stay in contact, didn’t we? We said we’d always be best friends.”</p>
<p>Lucas’s voice is hoarse. “We are friends.”</p>
<p>“Come on, Luc.” Jens slumps back in his chair, shaking his head. “You didn’t even tell me when your dad left? And we’re supposed to be friends?”</p>
<p>“It’s not like you’ve been telling me anything, either. Jens, we’ve barely spoken the past two years. What was I supposed to do?”</p>
<p>“Send one message. Tell me that you wanted more contact. I wasn’t the one who pushed you away. I was the one left wondering what I’d done wrong. I’m the one you didn’t want anymore.”</p>
<p>Jens sucks in a breath, trying to steady himself. He doesn’t know where all of this is coming from. Well of course he knows, but he doesn’t know why it’s coming out. He has four days left. He’d planned to make them count, to drag as much joy out of them as he could, to spend as much happy time with Lucas as possible. Before he lost it again. He thinks, maybe, that that’s why he’s bringing it up. He’s trying to get to the root of why they fell apart the first time, to try to prevent it from happening again. He wants to treasure this little bit of time left with Lucas—but he doesn’t want it to be all that’s left. It doesn’t have to end in four days. And if Lucas isn’t going to realise that on his own, Jens is going to make his thoughts on it clear. </p>
<p>“Is that really what you think?” Lucas seems genuinely shocked, leaning back in his chair and staring at Jens with a dumbfounded expression. </p>
<p>Jens shrugs and lets his gaze fall, suddenly losing gusto. “What else am I supposed to think?”</p>
<p>“I thought that,” Lucas starts, stops. Tries again. “I thought it was me. Your life just looked...so good without me. You still had Robbe. You made new friends. You got a girlfriend. From the day I left I missed you like hell and I’ve never stopped. I didn’t want you to be the one who forgot about me, but I knew that’s what would happen. So I tried to forget about you instead. I tried so fucking hard.”</p>
<p>Jens is thrown off by the honesty. By the raw emotion on Lucas’s face and in his tone. It changes the course of things suddenly, makes Jens come to a screeching halt. He doesn’t know what to do with this. The only thing he latches onto is, “Why would you think I’d forget about you? Why would you think I’d ever push you away?”</p>
<p>“I never understood why you befriended me in the first place. I’ve always been the one holding you back. When I left...you weren’t held back anymore. You had no reason to keep me in your life.”</p>
<p>Jens stands before he realises what he’s doing, throwing his hands up once he’s on his feet. “That’s the dumbest fucking thing you’ve ever said. You know that, right? You’re supposed to be my best friend, Lucas. We were always supposed to be best friends.” He knows he’s repeating himself, but he can’t help it. This is what he’s never been able to let go of. He’d made an unspoken vow to Lucas when they were four to be friends forever. That same vow had been spoken aloud numerous times over the course of their friendship. Lucas has always been the one thing Jens was sure of in life. After all he’d said and all they’d shared and the years they’d been through, how could Lucas not see that?</p>
<p>If Jens had those thoughts, those fears, that Lucas was going to push him away and it was going to hurt like hell, he never would have been able to run away. He’d have clung on for as long as he could. He thought Lucas would have been the same. </p>
<p>Then Lucas says, “I never wanted to be your friend forever, Jens,” and Jens’s heart stops. </p>
<p>His shoulders droop, hands falling uselessly to his sides and mouth falling open in shock. The fire in his chest has gone out and left his heart simmering and smoking, nothing more than a used pile of ashes. He can’t bring himself to utter more than a broken, “What?”</p>
<p>Lucas squeezes his eyes shut, then runs his hands over them harshly. He takes a shuddering breath. Despite everything, Jens wants to hold him. He wants to let the conversation drop, to move over to him and wrap his arms around him and tell him that it’s okay. He’ll take the four days and let Lucas forget about him. </p>
<p>He also wants to cry, and scream, and break something, and for a truly frightening second, he wants that something to be Lucas’s jaw. </p>
<p>“What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Lucas?” Jens questions again, louder. The fire has rekindled, but it’s taking up residence in his head, setting him aflame with sudden anger. He knows it isn’t a true rage. He knows that it’s hurt and loss and fear all boiled into something ugly, but that doesn’t stop him from letting it out. “I was just the only one who approached you, is that it? The others were assholes but I wanted to be friends with you, and you thought...what? ‘That’ll do’? Then you got to leave and find your new friends, and you realised what you were missing out on?”</p>
<p>Lucas gives him a dirty look. “Now who’s being stupid, Jens.”</p>
<p>“Well if that’s not what you meant, please feel free to explain it to me, because I have no idea what’s so fucking—“</p>
<p>“I’ve never wanted to be your friend forever because I’ve always wanted more than that, Jens! I’ve always been fucking in love with you!”</p>
<p>Jens stops breathing. </p>
<p>Somewhere in the middle of it, Lucas had gotten to his feet, too, and now he stands across from Jens with tears caught in his eyelashes and an expression Jens has never seen. It shifts infinitesimally during those next few drawn out seconds, flitting through shock and realisation and regret in an instant as Jens stands speechless. He knows he needs to say something, to react in any way, but the words have left him brain-dead and incapable of a single thought, never mind movement or speech. </p>
<p>He can only stand, dumbfounded, as Lucas repeats, in nothing more than a whisper, “I tried so hard not to be. I tried so fucking hard.”</p>
<p>Before Jens can answer or move to stop him, he’s fleeing, snatching his jacket off the hook and slamming the door behind him. </p>
<p>Jens stands, unmoving, in the middle of the kitchen until Robbe comes out, glancing at the door with a wide-eyed expression. He turns the look on Jens and asks, “Did I just hear you guys right? What the hell happened?”</p>
<p>Jens takes a single, stumbling step backwards. He can’t breathe. Robbe’s come towards him, hands out as if to brace him. “Jens? I know you feel the same. Why didn’t you say anything? Why aren’t you going after him?” </p>
<p>Jens shakes his head rapidly and takes a few more steps back. Then he turns on his heel and heads towards the hallway, making a beeline for his room. </p>
<p>Robbe tries to catch his arm and he jerks away, leaving Robbe to call after him. “You’re not going to fuck up this chance. You can’t leave it like that. Jens!”</p>
<p>Jens slams into the bedroom and locks the door behind him. </p>
<p>~^~</p>
<p>
  <i>When Lucas is told he’s moving, he does the first thing he always does when his world is falling apart: he seeks out Jens.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>After shoving his father out of the way and running out of the house, he grabs his bike and makes his way to the other boy, knowing his parents will let him go. He never goes anywhere else, and if he does, he takes Jens with him. Lucas knows his dad will already be calling Fenna. It doesn’t matter. All he needs is to get to Jens.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>He doesn’t go to the front door, but around the back to Jens’s window. Through it, he can see his friend sitting on his bed, the keyboard his parents had gotten him for his birthday on his lap. Lucas’s heart gives a strong, painful pang, and he knocks on the glass.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens looks up at him immediately and smiles, moving the instrument carefully off his legs before coming to let Lucas in. “Why didn’t you come to the front door?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas clambers over the sill and immediately tucks himself into Jens’s hold, wrapping tight arms around his waist. Jens barely falters before wrapping his arms around Lucas’s shoulders in response, and Lucas finally allows himself to relax. “I didn’t want to run into anyone else. I just wanted to see you.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”Okay,” Jens says simply. Lucas can hear the frown in his voice. He hugs Lucas against him. “What’s wrong?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas takes a deep breath. He’s almost glad he can’t see Jens’s face; he also feels like he needs to. He pulls away, but keeps a hand clenched in the side of Jens’s shirt, and Jens’s hands stay on his shoulders. “We’re moving.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens freezes. His fingers dig into Lucas’s shoulders as his face whitens, all the colour bleeding out of him in moments. “What? Moving where?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas swallows and says, “The Netherlands.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens’s hands drop abruptly, and he pulls away from Lucas as if he’s been burned. “But,” Jens’s breath catches. “But you can’t. Why would you? You can’t be moving. That’s stupid.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas feels like crying. He really doesn’t want to cry. Even though he knows Jens wouldn’t judge him for it. Even though Jens looks pretty close to tears himself. Instead he moves to sit on Jens’s bed. He’s trying to wrap his head around everything, but he doesn’t even want to think about it. He wants to lay in this bed and watch some stupid TV show with Jens and pretend none of it is happening. He drops his head into his hands. A moment later, he feels Jens sit down beside him.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”Lucas. Why?” Jens repeats. “What happened?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”Mama,” Lucas whispers. “She got worse again. Dad’s blaming the doctors. He says there are better ones there. He wants her to go stay with them and he wants us to move so we’re closer.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”But...if you can’t stay with her anyway, why can’t you just visit? Why would you move? And it’s not going to be forever, right? If it’s only because she’d be staying there, she’s only going to be staring there for a little while. Isn’t she? Then she could come home again. If he really wants to be there that badly, your dad could stay there somewhere and you could stay with us. Couldn’t you?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>He sounds so hopeful. Lucas wishes it was that simple. He wishes he could just move in with Jens and stay here forever. He wishes his mother was healthy, and his father wasn’t making them move, and he was old enough to stay here without them and live on his own. Or, as previously stated, with Jens. “It’s not just for a little while. I think Dad’s just using that as an excuse. He already has a job waiting.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”What?” Jens reels back. “So he’s been planning this? Did you know about this before?”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”No,” Lucas shakes his head quickly. “No. He just told me. I came straight to you. I didn’t know what else to do.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens asks, “When?”</i>
</p>
<p>Lucas’s eyes start to water. “Three weeks.”</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens sucks in a breath. It comes out shaky. He stands up suddenly and paces across the room, then back, over and over again. Lucas watches him, dumbfounded. He wants to reach out and stop him, but he can’t actually bring himself to move. Everything feels wrong. Unnatural. Jens is the chill one. He’s always the one that stays calm, that reminds the others of the rational side of things, that keeps his cool. To see him pacing, hands shaky and expression pinched, is a rare and painful sight. It’s making Lucas feel just as fidgety and he hates it. “Jens,” he begs, “come here. Stop.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens comes to a halt immediately, standing barely a foot away from Lucas as he looks down at him. He looks heartbroken and desperate and determined all at once. “You can’t leave. At least...you can stay here until the end of the summer. Couldn’t you do that? They can’t take you in the middle of the summer.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”Your parents already have three of you to take care of. They can’t just let me stay here. Dad wouldn’t allow it, either.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”But…” Jens’s expression has turned helpless. “There has to be something. You can’t just leave.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas shakes his head. Tears are still pricking at his eyes. His voice is hoarse when he says, “I don’t want to. I really don’t want to, Jens, I don’t want to.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Jens is next to him again before he realises it, wrapping his arms around Lucas’s shoulders and pulling him into a tight, familiar hug. Lucas imagines forgetting what this feels like, and something sharp and jagged tears at his chest, cutting him to shreds at the mere thought. Existing without Jens is existing without his other half. It’d be more than losing a limb. It’d be losing the best part of himself. He doesn’t ever want to have to experience that. He doesn’t ever want to let Jens go. Who else is he going to be able to make fun of without them fighting back? Who else is he going to be able to watch skateboard videos with on repeat? Who else is going to stand up for him, take care of him, make him feel comfortable, the way Jens does? Who else is going to hug him like this, to be able to hold him together when his world is falling apart?</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Who else is ever going to love him, and make him love them like this, if not Jens?</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas has wondered for years what it might be like to grow up with Jens and go to school with Jens and figure out if Jens feels the way he does. He’s wondered what it would be like to kiss him. He’s wondered if he would ever get a chance to find out.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Instead, he’s leaving before he gets any chance to even think about it. He’s leaving and he’ll have to leave this part of himself behind. A part he probably won’t ever get back.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>He clings to Jens now and bites back a sob, blinking away tears before they can fall. He won’t cry. He won’t let any of the time he has left with Jens go to waste. He won’t spend it being sad.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”We’ll always be best friends, Luc,” Jens says, with a surety Lucas doesn’t feel. “Even if you have to move to Russia. You’ll always be my best friend.”</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Lucas wants to believe him more than anything. He’s always told himself he wouldn’t care too much about not being able to kiss Jens as long as they always stayed best friends. As long as, really, Jens still liked him best. It’s the promise he’s always told himself they’d manage to keep, no matter what. He’s clung to it since he was four years old. He doesn’t want to let go.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>”You, too,” Lucas vows. “You’ll always be my favourite person. Forever.”</i>
</p>
<p>~^~</p>
<p>When Lucas’s mom knocks on his door and pops her head in before he can tell her to go away, he knows he’s in trouble. </p>
<p>She smiles at him and asks, “Can I come in?”</p>
<p>Lucas closes his laptop and sets it to the side, nodding. He draws himself up to a better sitting position as she comes to sit on the edge of the bed next to him, smile soft but gaze searching. “I thought you’d be out today,” she says lightly. </p>
<p>Lucas looks at her warily. “Why?” </p>
<p>“Well, it’s Jens and Robbe’s last full day here, isn’t it? I thought you’d want to spend as much time with them as you can before they go again.”</p>
<p>“I haven’t seen them the past two days, either, Mama,” Lucas sighs. “Doesn’t that tell you something?”</p>
<p>She nods, acquiescing. “Obviously, that’s why I’m here.”</p>
<p>Lucas smiles slightly. “Obviously.”</p>
<p>In all these years, the only one aware of the true extent of Lucas’s feelings for Jens—aside from possibly Robbe—has been his mom. Not because Lucas told her, but because he simply couldn’t hide it from her. Even if he denied it, she wouldn’t believe him. She could see it clear as day, she said, and eventually Lucas had given up and just begged her not to say such things to anyone else (specifically Jens himself). </p>
<p>He knows that she’s always felt horrible about the move, even though he’s spent every day since reminding her it wasn’t her fault. Lucas occasionally felt bad for blaming his father instead, for drawing away from him because of it. Then his father had left, and Lucas decided he had nothing to feel bad about. His anger was always justified. The man didn’t deserve his son’s forgiveness, and he has definitely never deserved Julia Bakker. Lucas isn’t sure he deserves her, either, but considering she’s his mother, he doesn’t worry about it too much. He just tries to take care of her in return. </p>
<p>He loves her more than anything. </p>
<p>He hates how nosy and knowing she can be. </p>
<p>“Why haven’t you been with them? You were meeting them everyday before that. Did something happen?” she asks gently. Lucas looks at his knees. “Is it Jens?”</p>
<p>Lucas drops his head onto his knees with a sigh. Her hand comes to rest in his hair, petting through it gently, and Lucas presses into her touch even as he wraps his arms around his shins. It takes him a few moments to mumble, “I think we had a fight.”</p>
<p>“You think?”</p>
<p>“No, we definitely had a fight. It was...it’s my fault. It’ll be better to just leave them alone instead of ruining the rest of their trip.”</p>
<p>“Luc.” His mother rests a hand on his arm and waits for him to look up at her. “They came here to see you. I don’t care what ‘visiting uni’ excuse they had. You really think <i>Jens</i> had the idea to come here for that, and being able to visit you was an afterthought? You know better than that.”</p>
<p>Lucas shakes his head. “It’s not that. I know it’s not. It’s that I know he came here to see me and I messed it up. He’s leaving tomorrow again. Then he might never decide to visit again. Then what?”</p>
<p>“You could always go visit him,” she suggests easily. “You’re a good age now that you’re capable of going up yourself, and I know Fenna would still be happy to have you. She always asks about you on our calls, the same way I always ask about Jens and Robbe. The circumstances are different now. You have more possibilities.”</p>
<p>Lucas takes a shuddering breath. “It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to see me.”</p>
<p>“I’m sure whatever you fought about wasn’t that bad. As far as I remember, Jens always wants to see you.”</p>
<p>“I told him I love him.”</p>
<p>Julia sits back, stunned. Her lips part silently as she stares at him, expression utterly blank as she works through a response. Eventually, it softens into a look of pity. Lucas hates that look. She very carefully asks, “He didn’t say it back?”</p>
<p>“Of course he didn’t say it back. We were shouting at each other and I just blurted it out and he gawked at me like I was a crazy person and I left.”</p>
<p>Her expression changes in an instant. Brows raised and lips pursed. She’s almost <i>smiling</i>. “So you didn’t give him a <i>chance</i> to say it back.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t give him a chance to laugh in my face, or look at me in disgust, or kick me out.”</p>
<p>“You and I both know Jens would never do such things. Not with you, at least.”</p>
<p>“Stop that. Stop making it sound like I’m special to him. Even if I really was before, it’s been four years. I ruined it. He has a life now. He’s had girlfriends. He knows what he could have. He doesn’t need me anymore.” He never had. Lucas has always been the one in need. He’s always known Jens could have anything and anyone he wanted. </p>
<p>His mother tuts at him. He hates when she does that, too. Her expression remains soft, though, and so does her tone. “Lucas. How are you so sure that’s true? What makes you think it isn’t all just in your head? I’ve always thought that boy looked at you as if you’d hung the moon. I saw him less than a week ago and he still had that same look.”</p>
<p>Lucas’s mouth is dry. His chest aches, but it’s no longer a hollow feeling. It’s ribs bruised from the inside. It’s his heart trying once again to get out. To go to Jens on its own, if Lucas’s feet refuse to take it. “It’s been four years since he even last saw me. He hasn’t even been here two weeks. How could he love me when we might as well be strangers?”</p>
<p>He doesn’t think he’s ever spoken to his mother like this. Honest. Open. Raw. He doesn’t think he’s ever spoken to anyone like this, apart from Jens. He concludes it must just be that Jens brings it out in him. He doesn’t know what to think of that. He wishes he could stop thinking. Maybe that’s why he’s saying all of this to his mother, of all people. Of all people, she knows most. Of all people, she would never turn on him, or turn him away. Of all people, she’s the only one he can currently go to that always makes him feel better. That he trusts with his whole being. He can say it out loud and stop it from suffocating him and know she won’t run away. </p>
<p>She doesn’t. She keeps smiling and says, “How do you love him?”</p>
<p>That makes Lucas pause. </p>
<p><i>With every part of me,</i> he thinks. <i>With my whole being. Despite everything.</i> </p>
<p>She gives his knee a gentle pat. “Exactly. Love doesn’t work in ways anyone understands, sweetheart. It doesn’t always follow things like time, like distance. That wouldn’t stop me from loving you. It hasn’t stopped you from loving Jens. I don’t see why it should stop him, either. I just know that if you don’t do something about it now, you’ll never forgive yourself.”</p>
<p>He really, really hates when she’s right. </p>
<p>She smiles, like she already knows she’s won, her eyes crinkling at the corners. “Think about it. Just don’t take too long.” With that, she pats his knee and stands, abandoning him to his thoughts. </p>
<p>He slumps back down in bed and tucks a pillow to his chest, curling around it on his side. He stares at where his phone sits on the nightstand and reaches out to pick it up. Hesitates, draws his hand back to his chest. Reaches out again. Grabs the phone. </p>
<p>He navigates to Jens’s Instagram almost automatically. He scrolls through his posts with a sense of familiarity, with the ease of having already done it a million times. Lucas had stopped allowing himself to message Jens so often, but he’d still liked every one of his posts. Just as Jens has liked all of his. He scrolls back to the top and lets his finger hover over ‘Message’. He doesn’t know why he’s going about it like this—he has Jens’s number—then he clicks on it and sees the status at the top. Active less than an hour ago. </p>
<p>Lucas had told Jens he loved him. With no space for misunderstanding, no chance of misinterpreting it. And Jens had stared at him. And Lucas had left. And Jens hadn’t followed.</p>
<p>He hasn’t reached out since. </p>
<p>Lucas very clearly left the ball in his court. He has given Jens a chance to say it back. He’s given him three days. Three days to say anything at all. And <br/>Jens hasn’t reached out. </p>
<p>Lucas feels like that makes the message pretty clear. </p>
<p>He’s still curled around his pillow, staring at the chat, when his door bursts open and Jayden bounds in, Kes only a step behind him. They stare at Lucas curled up in his bed with expressions that move between exasperation and disappointment. Julia peeks her head around the door with a sheepish smile. “I let them in.”</p>
<p>Lucas looks between the three of them a few times before heaving a sigh. He nods, and his mother smiles and leaves them to it. Jayden wrestles the pillow out of Lucas’s grip, pushes Lucas to the far side of the bed, then flops down with the pillow in his own arms. Kes settles at the end of the bed and looks at Lucas. Lucas rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling. </p>
<p>“Nope.” Kes grabs his leg and tugs. “Not gonna do that.”</p>
<p>Jayden joins the fray by pushing at his arm repeatedly until Lucas retaliates, flinging said arm out to the side and managing to clip Jayden’s shoulder. Jayden makes an offended noise and hits him with the pillow. </p>
<p>“Fuck off,” Lucas groans, snatching the pillow away and tossing it off the side of the bed. Jayden freezes in place, half hovering over him, and bites down hard on his lip. Lucas glares at him steadily, watching his lips tremble. Then Kes snorts, and the three of them fall into laughter, Lucas’s irritation easily slipping away. “What are you dumbasses doing here? I thought we were supposed to meet up later.”</p>
<p>“And we thought there was no point in texting you in two hours for you to say you weren’t coming,” Kes retorts, “like you’ve done the past two days.” </p>
<p>“It’s getting sad,” Jayden adds. “What the fuck is up? Aren’t your friends going home tomorrow? We thought first you were ditching us to hang out with them, which would’ve been shitty but understandable, but we spoke to Robbe and discovered you’ve been ignoring them too.”</p>
<p>“I haven’t been ignoring anyone,” Lucas mumbles. It’s a lie. Unlike Jens, Robbe had reached out. Every day. Lucas hadn’t been able to convince himself to reply. He didn’t know what to say. Robbe wants to fix things between them, but he can’t fix what Lucas and Jens have broken. Lucas doesn’t want to put him in the middle. So he hasn’t spoken to him at all. </p>
<p>“Bullshit,” Jayden says, and Lucas looks up at him, startled. It’s not often Jayden says anything serious—in fact, it’s extremely rare—but both his tone and expression are void of any humour or teasing. “We all know it’s Jens. From how Robbe was talking, he’s moping just as much as you. You’re avoiding him when he’s only here for another day. You need to go kiss and make up. Right now.”</p>
<p>Lucas gapes at him. “I–what?”</p>
<p>Jayden rolls his eyes. “Don’t act dumb. You can’t hide all the longing stares and dreamy smiles and eye fucking from me. It was obvious even before he got here, man.”</p>
<p>Lucas continues to gape. He blinks. He narrows his eyes at Kes. “You told him?”</p>
<p>Kes shakes his head as Jayden gapes instead. “What? Wait. You told Kes and you didn’t tell me?”</p>
<p>“I,” Lucas hesitates. “No?”</p>
<p>Jayden pouts at him. “Fuck that,” he says sadly. </p>
<p>“Sorry,” Lucas mumbles. “It’s just...it’s been a lot. It’s not like I was never going to tell you I’m gay, it’s just, I didn’t wanna talk about this. I <i>still</i> don’t wanna talk about this.”</p>
<p>“Well, too bad,” Kes shrugs. “We’re already talking about it.”</p>
<p>“Even though we’re not the ones you should be talking to,” Jayden continues. </p>
<p>“We get that this needs to happen first, because you’re an idiot and you need some sense knocked into you,” Kes finishes. </p>
<p>Lucas sighs. “You’re both really annoying, you know that?” Before they can say anything else, he says, “We were arguing, I told him I loved him, he stared at me, I left, and I haven’t heard from him since. I don’t know what you all want from me. I’ve already made enough of a fool of myself.”</p>
<p>“You told him you love him?” Kes gapes. </p>
<p>“Yes. And he didn’t say anything. It was wonderful. Are we done talking now?”</p>
<p>“No way.” Jayden snatches up another pillow and smacks him with it. </p>
<p>Lucas sputters. “What the hell?”</p>
<p>“You’re an idiot. Are you trying to tell us you think Jens doesn’t love you because you scared the life out of him by blurting it out in a sexually charged dramatic argument and he didn’t say it back?”</p>
<p>Kes blinks. “Sexually charged?”</p>
<p>“Obviously, Kes, but that’s not the point,” Jayden waves him off. He raises a brow at Lucas. “Is that really what you’re saying?”</p>
<p>“Uhm,” Lucas shrugs. “Yeah?”</p>
<p>Jayden sighs, dropping his head back and looking briefly towards the ceiling before bringing his gaze back to Lucas. “You’re so fucking dumb. Just go talk to him.”</p>
<p>“Why? So he can reject me properly? He’s leaving tomorrow and then he’ll never talk to me again. That’s enough.”</p>
<p>“No,” Kes snaps. Lucas looks at him in surprise. “It doesn’t matter that you think he should be the one to make the next move. You know him better than anyone and I know you don’t believe any of your own bullshit. If anything, I bet you freaked him out. But if you actually love him, you won’t let him leave without talking to him properly. I know you won’t.”</p>
<p>He’s right. They’re all right. Lucas knows it. He just doesn’t want to believe it. </p>
<p>He picks up his phone and stares at Jens’s profile once more, eyes landing on one particular image. A ‘throwback’ post of a photo of Jens and Lucas, taken in terrible quality just a week before Lucas left. Neither of them are looking at the camera. They’re outside, and Lucas is looking at something out of shot, laughing. </p>
<p>Jens is looking at Lucas. </p>
<p>Lucas sucks in a breath and closes his eyes, dropping his phone on his chest. After another hour-long second of silence, he says, “Okay.”</p>
<p>He opens his eyes to see his friends staring at him, their expressions blank. “Okay?” Jayden questions hesitantly. </p>
<p>“Okay. I’m going to talk to him.”</p>
<p>Their jaws drop simultaneously. Then they each grab one of Lucas’s arms and haul him to his feet, whooping as they push him out the door. </p>
<p>~^~</p>
<p>A pillow whacks Jens in the back of the head and snaps him out of his daze. He cranes his neck to glare at Robbe, then drops his head back onto the mattress without a word. “Jens,” Robbe prods. “Get up.”</p>
<p>“Leave me alone.”</p>
<p>“It’s almost one. It’s our last day.”</p>
<p>“Don’t care.”</p>
<p>“Well, I do. And I made sandwiches. So at least come eat them.”</p>
<p>“There’s a cafe ‘round the corner. Why’d you make sandwiches?”</p>
<p>“Because we got food that we haven’t used up but there’s no point in taking home.”</p>
<p>“So you made a whole loaf’s worth of sandwiches?”</p>
<p>“Jens,” Robbe groans. “What’s it going to take for you to stop being an idiot? Do I have to drag you to him myself?”</p>
<p>“No,” Jens protests instantly. It’s muffled in the mattress. He sits up just to state, firmer, “No.”</p>
<p>This was a mistake, because now he can see Robbe’s expression. His smiling, brows-raised, all-knowing expression. It makes Jens want to punch it off his face. “So that’s how to get you up. If you don’t want me to drag you, does that mean you’re going yourself, then?”</p>
<p>Jens flips him off. “I thought I told you to leave it.”</p>
<p>“And I thought you’d know me better than that,” Robbe’s smile widens. “Come on, Jens. You know I can’t drop this. Would you, if our roles were reversed?”</p>
<p>Jens glares and doesn’t answer, because he knows Robbe’s right. He didn’t let it drop, with Sander. He’d supported Robbe the whole time. Supported. Respected his wishes. If Robbe has told Jens to fuck off, he probably would have. </p>
<p>...For a while, at least. Until he realised Robbe wasn’t happy and that the situation was actually driving him mad. Then he would’ve stepped back in and told him to stop being an idiot. </p>
<p>So, he understands. </p>
<p>But it’s different when the tables are turned. Jens would rather be an idiot than a fool. And he’d be a fool to go to Lucas now. </p>
<p>He can’t get those last words out of his head. </p>
<p>
  <i>I’ve always been fucking in love with you.</i>
</p>
<p>It had been everything Jens has ever wanted to hear and more. It was the best thing he’s ever heard in his life. </p>
<p>Then Lucas had continued. </p>
<p>
  <i>I tried so hard not to.</i>
</p>
<p>I tried so fucking hard.</p>
<p>Like being in love with Jens is the last thing he ever wanted. Like he’s been carrying it all these years like a burden, and he’d been working so hard to get rid of the weight. To cut Jens out and let those feelings go. He was trying so hard, and Jens messed it up by barging his way back into his life. Lucas was trying to let go while, all this time, Jens has been desperately wanting to hold on. </p>
<p>The whole time, he’s been right. Lucas wants to let go. Jens just has to let him. </p>
<p>“I can literally see you thinking stupid thoughts,” Robbe says dryly. “Whatever it is, cut it out. I really don’t understand what the problem is. Do you actually not love him? Have I really been that totally wrong this whole time?”</p>
<p>“What do you mean ‘this whole time’?” </p>
<p>“I mean ‘this whole time’. I mean, you’ve obviously been in love with Lucas for years, or at least I thought you were, and then you came out as bi and I knew were you, and then you ‘casually’ suggested coming here and I literally couldn’t have been more certain.”</p>
<p>“Maybe I just wanted to see my friend.”</p>
<p>“Who happens to also be in love with you?”</p>
<p>Jens drops back onto the bed with a sigh. “Leave me alone, Robbe.”</p>
<p>“Why? Why won’t you let yourself have this? Jens, what’s the problem?”</p>
<p>“The whole situation is a problem, Robbe,” Jens sits up again. “We’re going home tomorrow and Lucas can go back to ignoring me. All this ‘we don’t choose who we fall in love with’ bullshit is obviously true, because he definitely didn’t want to fall in love with me. He’s going to be staying here, and I’m going back to Antwerp. It’s been four years. Am I going to have to wait four to see him again? Five? Maybe in another universe it would work, right? I’m sorry, Robbe, but not everyone has an epic love story like you and Sander.”</p>
<p>Robbe stares at him, dumbfounded. After a moment he comes back to himself, and slowly rounds the bed. He climbs on and sits cross-legged in front of Jens, expression kind. “You were kids, Jens. We were kids. It’s different now. You’re almost eighteen. One hour on the train and you’re here. You can visit him every weekend.”</p>
<p>Jens pauses. Then, “That doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want me to.”</p>
<p>“Jens,” Robbe’s tone is exasperated. “I think you’re really understanding this wrong. Of course he didn’t want to fall in love with you. He was your best friend. It probably scared the shit out of him, thinking you didn’t feel the same and worrying that it would ruin things between you. The fact that he still feels the same and he’s actually told you now is crazy, Jens. And you’re ignoring him? It has to be killing him.”</p>
<p>“I’m not ignoring him,” Jens defends. “I haven’t heard from him.”</p>
<p>“Because you haven’t messaged him! You should’ve gone after him then, actually, but you didn’t.” Jens sits silently, picking at a thread in the blanket. Robbe sighs. “Okay. Think of it like this. Imagine your positions were switched. Imagine he came to see you after all that time and you told him you loved him and he didn’t react. He didn’t say it back, he didn’t say anything, after you’d just poured your heart out. Wouldn’t you run away, too? Wouldn’t it hurt you? I’d be heartbroken.”</p>
<p>Jens takes a breath, then drops his head into his hands. “Fuck.”</p>
<p>Robbe’s right. Of course he is. </p>
<p>Jens feels terrible. God, he’s such an idiot. </p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Robbe pats his shoulder. “It just took you a while.”</p>
<p>“No, fuck. I messed up so much. He’s gonna hate me now.”</p>
<p>“<i>Jens</i>.” Robbe sounds even more exasperated this time round. “He’s not going to hate you. Literally the whole point is that he loves you. If you go to him and tell him you feel the same and just explain that you freaked out, I’m sure he’ll forgive you for being an idiot.”</p>
<p>Jens is on his feet before he even realises he’s moving. “I need to go. Now.”</p>
<p>Robbe hastily stands with him and nods, heading out the door. Jens stands frozen, watching his back, until he turns around and asks, “Well? Aren’t you going?” Jens blinks. “Come <i>on</i>.”</p>
<p>Jens goes. </p>
<p>He stuffs his feet into his shoes as Robbe tosses his jacket at him, almost pushing him out the door. Then he grabs onto Jens’s arm and says, “Wait! You haven’t eaten today. I made sandwiches!”</p>
<p>Jens spins around to look at him. “If this goes right, Luc and I will come back and eat your sandwiches, okay? And if not...I’ll need comfort food.”</p>
<p>Robbe grins and nods, patting his shoulder and then really pushing him out the door and into the hallway. Jens is already halfway down it when he hears Robbe call, “Good luck!”</p>
<p>Jens half-waves over his shoulder and speeds up until he makes it down the stairs. Then out the door. Then the street. Then he’s sped up so much he’s running, and then he’s glad they’d thought to visit Lucas’s house at the beginning of the trip and that he knows where it is and the quickest way to get there. It’s just a few streets. Straight ahead for two blocks. Take a left. A second left. Ahead for three more blocks. Take a right. </p>
<p>Then he’s at Lucas’s door. </p>
<p>He rings the bell. Then, after a few seconds, rings it again. Then again. He’s raising his hand once more when Jayden opens the door, stuffing the end of a pancake into his mouth and blinking at Jens. Jens, out of breath, asks, “Is Lucas here?”</p>
<p>“Uh…”</p>
<p>Kes comes up the hall behind him, and his eyes widen when he sees Jens. He rushes the rest of the way and stands at Jayden’s shoulder, gawking at Jens. “What are you doing here?”</p>
<p>Jens feels suddenly defensive. His spine straightens as he says, “I need to talk to Lucas.”</p>
<p>“Lucas just left,” Jayden says hesitantly. </p>
<p>Jens blinks. “What?” Jayden can’t possibly expect him to believe that. Why would they be here if Lucas wasn’t? This is Lucas’s house. He’s not stupid. “Okay, I get it if you’re pissed at me, but just let me see him.” </p>
<p>He presses a hand to his side and leans over as he waits for a response. He’s still winded. He’s not used to moving around without his skateboard. He still regrets not bringing it with him. </p>
<p>“No, dude,” Kes butts in, “he literally just left. Like ten seconds ago. He went to see you.”</p>
<p>Jens looks up at him. “What? That doesn’t make sense. I would’ve passed him.”</p>
<p>They all simply stare at each other. Then Jens straightens and groans, “Fuck.”</p>
<p>“Did you run the whole way here?” Jayden asks. </p>
<p>“Kinda. Jogged. Obviously not fast enough.”</p>
<p>“Dude,” Jayden says, appreciative. “That shit’s romantic.”</p>
<p>Jens flips him off as Kes says, “Except Luc isn’t <i>here</i>.”</p>
<p>“Because he was going to find <i>him</i>. That makes it even more romantic, dumbass.”</p>
<p>“Fuck,” Jens repeats, <i>still breathless</i>, before gearing up to run again. “Do you think he went a different way? Or did I just miss him? But how did we both miss each other?” Jayden and Kes continue staring at him. Unhelpful. Jens turns and starts jogging back down the street. If anything, he’ll meet Lucas back at his aunt’s flat. </p>
<p>“Jens!”</p>
<p>He hears it seconds after he rounds the corner and looks around wildly. He sees him a block down, turned back to walk towards Jens. Jens runs the rest of the way to meet him and takes him by the arms, bringing them to a stop in the middle of the street. A spit of rain hits his cheek and he wipes it off with his shoulder, ignoring it. “Luc,” he breathes. </p>
<p>“Jens, I–“</p>
<p>“I love you,” Jens blurts. Lucas freezes completely, lips still parted, his expression an image of shock. Jens tightens his grip on his arms. The rain starts pattering against their shoulders. <i>Well,</i> he thinks. <i>That’s one way to do it.</i> There’s no point in turning back now. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. That I didn’t say it back. That I never said it, and I just somehow expected you to know. I’m sorry for letting you pull away from me. I’m sorry for ever letting you leave in the first place. I’m sorry that we were fighting over it when we should’ve been making up for lost time. I was an idiot, and I thought that when you said you were trying so hard not to love me that you meant you—you wanted better, or something, but I know that was stupid and I know what you mean now. I’ve felt exactly the same way for years. I’m sorry I’m such an idiot. But I love you, too. Obviously I love you. It’s always been me and you, Luc.”</p>
<p>Lucas’s expression has slowly morphed into a softer, watery version of his previous shock. A slow smile has been growing on his face, and it comes into full affect now as his eyes flit over Jens’s face and find it honest. His lips form the beginning of words over and over, but he doesn’t say anything. </p>
<p>Instead he leans in and presses his lips to Jens’s. </p>
<p>The first thought Jens has is, <i>how cliche, kissing in the rain</i>, before all his thoughts are consumed by Lucas. His hands come up to settle on Jens’s cheeks. It takes no more than a split second for Jens to kiss back, lips moving softly, carefully, searchingly. Then his hands are on Lucas’s back, pulling him closer, and Lucas’s hands are in his hair, pulling, and then Lucas’s tongue is in his mouth and they lose some of the ability to be gentle. </p>
<p>Nothing, nothing, nothing compares to the feeling of Lucas in his arms, of Lucas’s lips against his, of Lucas’s hands on him. Jens should have been kissing him for years. He can’t figure out why he ever kissed anyone else. He’d kissed a lot of people, but none of those kisses were like this. Jana wasn’t even like this. This is kissing the person who knows him better than he knows himself, who lives alongside him in his head and his heart and his soul. This is Lucas. Lucas Van Der Heijden. His Luc. His best friend. Jens could kiss him forever. Nothing could ever be better than this. </p>
<p>Then Lucas breathes a laugh between their lips, breathes, “Fuck, you love me. I love you,” and Jens changes his mind. Nothing could be better than <i>that</i>. </p>
<p>Jens presses a kiss to his cheek, to the corner of his jaw, then presses their foreheads together, heart jackrabbiting in his chest. Lucas looks back at him, and it’s still the same blue eyes, still the same dimples in his cheeks, still the same smile. His brilliant, reserved-for-Jens smile. Jens has to kiss it again. Then he asks, “Does this mean I’m forgiven?”</p>
<p>They’re both drenched by this stage, and Jens can feel Lucas starting to shiver, but neither of them make a move to leave. Lucas shakes his head, their noses bumping together. “Never had anything to forgive you for. I was an idiot, too. For way longer than you. I’m so sorry, Jens. Seriously. All that time…”</p>
<p>“We’ll have to make up for, I know,” Jens says easily. His arms are loosely wrapped around Lucas’s waist now, and he moves his head back to look down at him. He grins at Lucas’s fond expression, at the joy bouncing back and forth between them, too much for either to contain on their own. “I should’ve just kissed you the second I got here. I wanted to.”</p>
<p>“I wanted you to, too. We really are stupid, huh?”</p>
<p>“Only love makes you that stupid,” Jens responds, airy and dramatic all at once, and he doesn’t care if it’s stupid because Lucas laughs and tangles his fingers back in the ends of Jens’s wet hair and kisses him again. </p>
<p>When the rain starts battering the pavement, Jens pulls back enough to say, “We should go.”</p>
<p>Lucas, still half laughing, agrees, “We should go,” and then Jens is pulling him back through the streets to his aunt’s apartment. </p>
<p>As soon as they get through the door, Lucas is pulling him into another gentle kiss, lips already finding each other with ease and falling into a familiar rhythm. Jens has kissed boys before. Only twice, and only to Robbe and Sander’s knowledge (who’d been gracious enough to take him out with them), and mostly only because of curiosity. It’s not that much different, really. He couldn’t tell if he liked it more or less, could only tell at the time that it wasn’t Jana and he was too aware of that fact, couldn’t get past the idea that he might never find someone he wanted to kiss that badly again. He hadn’t thought that he might not have to. That that person had already been there, had been waiting, if Jens had only been brave enough before. </p>
<p>But he feels brave now, kissing Lucas, feels like he could do anything, and he doesn’t have to think about how he’s kissing a boy, only that that boy is Lucas and Jens would gladly kiss him forever. </p>
<p>There’s a thump and then a choked noise and Jens has to stop kissing Lucas to look at Robbe, standing in the hallway with a hand over his mouth. It only takes Jens and Lucas glancing at him for him to catapult himself towards them, slinging his arms around them both as he mumbles, “Oh thank god, merci merci merci,” over and over. Lucas laughs and wraps one arm around him, so Jens decides he might as well do the same. </p>
<p>Robbe’s grin is huge when he steps back and says, “Sander owes me ten euro.”</p>
<p>Jens furrows his brows as Lucas asks, “What?”</p>
<p>Robbe doesn’t acknowledge them, already skipping back into the kitchen, and Jens can’t grab Lucas quick enough to stop him from following. Robbe acts nonchalant as he seats himself at the table and says, “You owe me.”</p>
<p>Jens thinks, at first, that he’s talking to him, but then Sander’s voice comes out of the laptop and he understands. “Yeah, yeah, I heard you. Are they there?”</p>
<p>Jens rounds the table and leans down behind Robbe, arm resting on his shoulder as he squints at the screen. “What bet did you lose on me, Driesen?”</p>
<p>“He said you’d hook up with Lucas as soon as we got here. I knew you were idiots and said it would take until the end of the trip. He’s been arguing with me that neither of us had won because you weren’t together at all. So, thanks.”</p>
<p>“Well, technically the end of the trip is tomorrow,” Lucas points out.</p>
<p>Sander perks up, leaning forward with a grin, as if he’s going to be able to lean right out of the screen and look around. “Is that Lucas?”</p>
<p>“Yep. And you aren’t meeting him today. Sorry.” Before any of them can protest, Jens is taking Lucas by the wrist and tugging him out of the door. </p>
<p>Robbe says, “At least take the sandwiches!”</p>
<p>Jens pauses to collect the sandwiches. </p>
<p>Before they eat, they get changed. Jens finds Lucas a t-shirt and sweatpants and points him to the bathroom. When he comes back in, swallowed in Jens’s clothes and doing his best to dry his hair with a towel, the sandwiches are forgotten for a while longer. </p>
<p>When both their stomachs start growling, they remember them. That’s when Jens gets the opportunity to pull Lucas down next to him on the bed and bundle him up against his chest, holding him close in a way he hasn’t in years. Lucas curls into him without an ounce of hesitation and Jens’s heart finally settles. It’s finally at peace. </p>
<p>Jens rests his cheek on top of Lucas’s head and runs his hand through his hair, twirling the strands between his fingers. He can’t believe that barely an hour ago he was lying here on his own, wallowing in self-pity and resigning himself to a life in which he never saw Lucas again. As if he could ever exist without him. As if he could ever really be Jens without Lucas. </p>
<p>“I had a dream about you a few days before you got here,” Lucas whispers, admitting it to the room more than Jens as his fingers draw patterns over Jens’s chest. “I was walking through all these parallel universes. I’d see you, far away, and I’d start walking to you, but you wouldn’t get any closer. Then something would happen. I’d see you with Robbe, or Jana, or your new friends, and I’d keep walking and walking and not going anywhere. I couldn’t get to you. Then you’d turn and look at me, and I’d think you were going to come to me. Every time. But instead you’d turn around and walk away. It didn’t matter what universe I was in. I could never reach you. You always walked away. But then…”</p>
<p>“...then?” Jens prompts quietly </p>
<p>“Then it was me I saw you with. But we were thirteen. And I didn’t try to get to you. I just stood there and watched. I didn’t realise you’d been getting closer and closer until you saw me at the end again and reached out your hand.”</p>
<p>Jens smooths his hand down Lucas’s back, playing with the hem of his t-shirt. “What happened then?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know. I reached for your hand and I woke up.” He tilts his head up to look at Jens. “It was something just slightly different in every universe. The only thing that was the same was that I couldn’t be a part of it. Except when we were still kids.”</p>
<p>Jens brushes a curl off his forehead and strokes his finger down his cheek before saying, “We’re not kids now. And you’re still a part of it. You’d always be a part of it.”</p>
<p>Lucas smiles. “I know,” he whispers. Jens kisses the top of his head and he closes his eyes. “I missed you.”</p>
<p>“I’m here now.” Lucas’s smile widens and he hides his face in Jens’s chest, arm tightening around his stomach. Jens resumes playing with his hair, smiling at the way it slips softly through his fingers and springs out of place. “I missed your curls.”</p>
<p>Lucas huffs a laugh. “That’s why you missed me? My hair?”</p>
<p>Jens hums. “I missed everything, but I missed your curls. Your curls and your eyes. And your smile. But those are just the main things.”</p>
<p>Lucas grows oddly quiet. He plays with the strings on Jens’s hoodie and says, “I don’t want to have to miss you again.”</p>
<p>“Ah,” Jens says. Right. They should probably have this conversation. “I know it’s going to suck a little. But my parents would let me come, if it was to see you. They’d let you come stay, too. I think they’d love that, actually.”</p>
<p>Lucas nods, cheek resting against the fabric of Jens’s jumper. “It’d be manageable.”</p>
<p>“Completely manageable,” Jens agrees. Then, softer, “It’ll be worth it. Right?”</p>
<p>Lucas directs his Jens-smile up at him once more. “Even if I lived in Russia. You’d always be worth it. You’re my favourite person forever.”</p>
<p>Jens doesn’t really know what to say to that. He doesn’t have words to explain how his chest is bursting. So he kisses him again. </p>
<p>He’s very glad they found each other in this universe. At four years old and after these four years. When it comes to Lucas, Jens will always seek him out, and always offer his hand. </p>
<p>Jens would never leave him behind. He knows better than that. He’d rather hold Lucas as tightly as he can and never have to think about letting him go. </p>
<p>~^~</p>
<p>Lucas has been dating Jens Stoffels for four months. </p>
<p>Four months of traveling to Antwerp and back, every fortnight, on the weekends Jens didn’t come to Utrecht. Four months of constant messages and late night phone calls, of Snapchat and FaceTime. Four months of being the happiest he’s ever been. </p>
<p>The happiness buzzes in him today. The day he’s going to Antwerp to stay with Jens for a whole week. A whole week of actual <i>privacy</i>, spent with Robbe’s old flat-mates, who have graciously granted them Robbe’s old room for the duration of Lucas’s stay. </p>
<p>Jens greets him at the train station with a tight hug and an urgent kiss that makes Lucas laugh into his mouth. Lucas marvels at the shock that still runs through him at the other’s touch. His body, after thirteen years, has come to expect it, to recognise it instinctively. His heart, however, notices the difference, and stops, jumps, beats faster, making his blood rush through him until he’s dizzy. It doesn’t matter, though. It’s okay if the rush floors him and causes him to fall. Jens is there to catch him.</p>
<p>He lets Jens pepper kisses over the rest of his face and take his bag and then the next hour is a whirlwind. Milan, Zoe, and Senne are all out and Jens gives him a dangerous grin and then it’s a flurry of kisses and touches and <i>them</i>. It’s always the best feeling, being reunited with Jens. Lucas doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of it. He’d suffer through missing him over and over just to feel that euphoria of coming back together again. </p>
<p>He’s still kissing Jens when they move to the kitchen, later, and then the sitting room, after, when Milan comes home with Robbe and Sander in tow and they all give them knowing grins. Sander makes a beeline straight for Lucas and ruffles his hair before squishing himself into the space between Lucas and Jens. He kisses Jens’s cheek apologetically before slinging his arms around Lucas. “God, I missed you so much, I’ve been going crazy.” Lucas laughs and squeezes his arm, unable to hug back with the way Sander has him locked in. </p>
<p>“He’s <i>my</i> boyfriend,” Jens reminds him, indignant. </p>
<p>Sander waves him off as Robbe giggles. Milan disappears down the hall, letting them be. Robbe sits down on Lucas’s other side, curling up in the leftover corner of the sofa and joining the hug. “I’d also be offended, but I get it.”</p>
<p>Lucas smiles. “I missed you guys, too.”</p>
<p>“I’m feeling very left out over here,” Jens mutters. “Did no one miss me?”</p>
<p>Sander heaves a dramatic sigh as Lucas reaches across him to pat Jens’s leg. “I missed you, babe.”</p>
<p>Jens grins at him as Sander half detaches himself from Lucas and pulls himself up higher on the sofa, drawing his feet up onto the cushion and putting an arm around Jens as well. He raises his brows at the raven-haired boy. “Happy now?”</p>
<p>Jens blows out a breath and crosses his arms over his chest, which means ‘yes, but I’m not going to admit it’. Sander pats his chest before turning back to Lucas and asking, “Did you do any new ones?”</p>
<p>“A few,” Lucas shrugs. He shifts around until he can pull his phone out of his pocket, pulling up his gallery before tilting his phone towards Sander, who leans towards him eagerly. “They’re not as good as yours, but I think they’re getting better.”</p>
<p>Sander scoffs. “Shut up. I love your drawings. Can I?”</p>
<p>Lucas holds the phone out to him and he lifts his arm off of Lucas to take it, scrolling through the images with a small smile. Lucas isn’t looking at him, though. He’s watching Jens where he’s leaning into Sander’s side, craning his neck for a better look at the screen until Sander slumps closer to him and moves the phone so they can both see. Lucas always loves looking at Jens, but there’s a softness in his eyes and a fondness in his smile as he looks at Lucas’s drawings that makes his heart melt. </p>
<p>Robbe pokes his side, then raises a brow when Lucas looks at him, smiling knowingly. Lucas rolls his eyes. Robbe’s smile just widens and he winks at Lucas before hooking his chin over his shoulder, trying to get his own glimpse of the phone. “Sander, you should show him that last mural you did. On the truck.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” Sander perks up again, hurriedly handing Lucas back his phone before standing up and rushing back out to the hallway. </p>
<p>Jens takes the opportunity to pull Lucas over next to him, hugging him in tight to his side and ignoring Robbe’s laughter. Lucas gives him a quick kiss and Jens follows it up with a gentle nose bump, dragging a smile out of Lucas and a mock gag out of Robbe. </p>
<p>Sander returns with his own phone in hand and frowns at his spot being taken. It lasts for half a second before Robbe holds his arm out, beckoning him back, and then he’s grinning and cuddling up to his boyfriend. He turns towards Lucas and brandishes his phone, displaying a brightly coloured abstract piece of two hands almost touching, getting closer and closer as the image moves down until they’re eventually clasped together. Underneath it is the quote ‘The best thing to hold onto in life is each other’. “Inspired by you guys,” Sander says, smile wide but gaze searching. </p>
<p>Lucas stares at him, then looks at Jens. “Have you seen this?”</p>
<p>Jens nods. “Not in person, but yeah.”</p>
<p>“You’re gonna take us to see it, right?” Lucas turns back to Sander, shooting him the puppy dog eyes Sander has so far never been able to refuse. </p>
<p>It seems he again doesn’t have to worry, because Sander only grins brightly at him and nods, launching into an in-depth description of the piece and his thoughts behind it. Lucas listens intently, looks at Robbe’s fond expression as he looks at Sander, notices how it mirrors Jens’s expression from earlier, then turns his own version of the gaze on Jens, heart full and warm. Jens looks back at him and seems to understand Lucas is just looking to look, to get his fill any time he has the chance. Jens kisses his temple then presses his face to Lucas’s hair and Lucas closes his eyes and soaks him in. </p>
<p>When Sander and Robbe disappear a while later, following each other to the kitchen with muffled words and giggles, Lucas picks out a tissue from the box in the middle of the coffee table. He can feel Jens’s curious gaze as he flattens it out and finds an errant pen. Smiling to himself, he scribbles a few words on the tissue and passes it to Jens. </p>
<p>Jens looks at it, then at Lucas, recognition alighting in his eyes and a smile growing on his face. He leans forward and picks up the pen and waits. Lucas asks, “Do you still want to be my best friend?”</p>
<p>Jens draws a circle around ‘yes’. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jens Stoffels is Lucas’s best friend. Lucas doesn’t idolise him anymore, but he loves him more than he ever has. Lucas sees him every week. He’s able to go to his own Instagram and see his face whenever he wants. Jens still treats him like he’s his favourite person in the world, but now he tells him, too, with three easy words mixed in between kisses and a smile that hasn’t changed since he was four years old. </p>
<p>Lucas is glad. </p>
<p>Now they’re eighteen, and he wouldn’t change a thing.</p>
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